I feel like I have been going through the most challenging couple of weeks I have ever been through, at least in a long time. My oldest daughter is critically sick, and it’s severe. My children and family have been my heartbeat for as long as I can remember. It makes no difference how old they get; they are still my babies when it comes to loving them and caring for their lives.
It took me some time to come out with some of the details about my daughter. I needed time to digest some of it all myself. I have learned my process for dealing with tough news. I get numb, then I cry, I get stronger, I become contemplative, I rest, and it starts all over again. It’s me, and it works. Somewhere in there is a constant prayer, affirmation, hope, and appeals to the powers that “be.”
When I learned my daughter was as sick as she is, it has been like my foundation created a crack in it that is in deep need of repair. It hurts tremendously even to consider not having her here on earth. Within my foundation is my deep belief in God within us, the power that comes with God, and the spiritual support that comes through channels we often do not see.
Besides healing for my daughter, my most profound appeal is “repair the cracks and breaches, oh God.” I know my faith is intact because my heart is in a constant state of prayer even when it does not visibly show. I hurt for her, I hurt for myself, and I hurt for my family. We have overcome so many odds, and this one is one more we shall overcome. The details are hard to face, but I know somehow facing them will make us all stronger. The details shake our foundations to the core, but I know God will sew up our wounds like a surgeon closes a surgical site.
When my foundations are shaken, I get into a state of emergency within my inner self. It’s like every breath is counted, every heartbeat is more critical, and every single thought is processed. I have hard ones that I know I should not have. I counter them with my attempts at better affirmative thoughts. It’s hard. I have “Mama” heart syndrome. It means I ache for my daughter 24 hours a day and seven days a week. She is one of my fondest creations; she is strong-willed, stubborn, heartfelt, loving, caring, giving, and sometimes childish. I love every single part of what she is because I helped to create her. How could I feel less about anyone I helped create when God feels deeply for all of us even when we fail?
“Mender of the breach in my foundation, please hold me still while You weave a new tapestry into the layers of love, light, and power I have inherited from You! I am continually seeking out the repairer of the foundational breach as I reach for more faith, love, healing, and hope. When foundations are shaken and torn, then the mender has to be the Creator of them. Our Creator is the only power we have to mend our hearts and help others mend the hearts of those who are suffering. Today and every day I acknowledge that unforgettable power that surges within us all.
Loving you from here,
Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry, Ph.D.