Do You Have a Good Relationship With Yourself?

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When we ponder relationships, we don’t often consider the relationship we have with ourselves. We do, in fact, have a self-relationship. We all get an image of our personal relationship with ourselves daily. Acknowledging our self-relationship can bring a lot of insight and healing when we choose to be honest with ourselves. Please don’t underestimate the importance of taking a little moral inventory to see where self-image can be improved, adjusted a little bit, or maybe a lot! Your “self” is calling and talking out loud! You, and only you, can make changes in yourself and make a difference in the quality of your life and your self-relationship.

Examples of ways we have a relationship with ourselves:

We see our personal relationship with ourselves through our temperament.

If you are a spouting geyser every time something rubs you the wrong way, your “self” is telling you it’s time to cool your heels. Remember, what you put out there in life is what will eventually come back, if not already. People view you, make assumptions and judgments about you according to your temperament. Even closer, your feelings about yourself are revealed through what you spew out. Don’t try to kid yourself here. You might try to fool others, but you can never kid yourself. You know who you are. The question is, “Why do you let the pressure valve out on everyone, and where does that anger come from?”

Maybe some emotional healing work is needed to cool down the emotional relationship you have with yourself. Believe me; eventually, your body will remind you to quit being such a hot head by breaking down in ways you don’t expect it to. Make it “be kind to your body time” and take steps to cool the hot embers in your heart.

Our personal relationship with ourselves is revealed through our self-image.

If you find you are continually comparing yourself to others, feel slighted by what others have, or wish you had attributes others have, then your self-image is screaming at you! It is easy to state how unique you are, how special God made you, or remind you of your gift to this world. The more challenging part is to learn how to believe how valuable you are, just the way you are.

If there are simple ways to improve upon your outer image, then do those things. Exercise, diet changes, and a little external enhancement can go a long way. For something you can not change, learn acceptance by loving yourself daily. We are all bombarded by images of others that are photoshopped, have attributes others admire, and tempt us toward self-loathing. Self-image is not only about the outside but the inside as well. Many of our programmed loathing comes from what we have been exposed to. The subconscious mind will hold these things for you! Gee, thank you very much, right? Try some self-image-enhancing hypnotherapy or meditation. There are many videos out there. If you find it hard to stick to routines, you might need a hypnotherapist. Invest in the money to get at least six sessions for a Hypno-change! Your self-relationship will thank you!

Our personal relationship with ourselves is revealed through the act of procrastination.

If there are things in life, you would like to do but never seem to get around to it. Or, if there are things that need to be taken care of but you never do, you are being held captive by the procrastination monster! When you procrastinate about doing something you know you should, you could either be suffering from a form of depression or your mind is too fixed on overthinking other things. You are lacking motivation and need a revving up of your self-motivator.

I know this might sound redundant but get organized! A scattered schedule lends toward too much time on your hands. Sooner or later, you end up putting off for another day what could have been done right now. Take the bull by the horns and get the more pressing things done first. Then go to the things you want to do to enhance your life. If you feel you need help for depression, see a counselor and help find the root of your distress. If you are overthinking, get your thoughts down on paper in a journal or talk to someone who can simply listen. Clear your mind, your heart, and your life from clutter. You will find more room to get those “need to do” or “want to do” things accomplished! If you are having trouble sticking to a routine or getting organized, once again, find a hypnotherapist! I can not say enough about the ability hypnosis has to help change unwanted habits to those desired!

I hope you see what I am getting at here. Your relationship with yourself will determine your ability to have one with others. Do some digging and excavating. If there are things you know that need changing then change them! It is never too late to have a great self-relationship and enhance your relationship with others around you! You might even find yourself attracting new friendships, new people, and new opportunities into your life. Don’t take yourself for granted. You guide your own ship. Do it with honesty and with self-revelation!

Loving you from here,

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry, Ph. D.

Women’s Life Advancement Coach and Hypnotherapist

What to do When The One You Have Loved No Longer Loves You

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It is an issue that has plagued relationships since the beginning of time. One day someone wakes up and realizes their love given has or is no longer going to be returned. All of the time and moments that have been put into trying to bond with someone have now seemingly been wasted. First, I want to say; nothing is ever wasted. Time well spent is a lesson well learned. (I think that should be a quote somewhere)!

I don’t want it to appear I’m stating the process of grieving an ended love is an easy thing; it is not. The painful process of severing ties with someone you thought you knew is nothing to take lightly. Breakups are just plain painful.

Eventually, we have to pick up the pieces and move on with life. Expect this to be a process. Grief is a process. Recreating life is a process. So, what do we do when the one we loved no longer loves us in return? Let me give you some starting points.

  1. Face the truth head-on. Realize that your life has now changed; you have changed. What was once time spent with someone else will now evolve into time spent on just yourself.
  2. Take life as it comes; this sometimes means one day at a time and sometimes one breath at a time. Don’t expect things to fall into place in one second. It took time to create a relationship, and it will take time to complete your severing of one.
  3. Permit yourself to grieve. Cry, pray, and meditate on what your heart is feeling. Ask yourself what you need right now. The answer to all of your questions will be revealed, and you will be surprised at how much you know what to do.
  4. Celebrate yourself and the life you hold. I am not advocating that hurting in your heart is a time for celebration, but there is a time to celebrate the brilliant creation and creator you are. Remember, you are a gift of life, a unique creation in God’s universe.
  5. Make your moments count instead of counting your moments. I genuinely believe it is not the time we spend in life but the quality of time that makes a difference. Create cherished moments that become your own memories.
  6. Realize your own worth and gift to this world. Everyone has a unique presence and present we give to this world and our planet. Find yours in the light of where you are at this very now moment.
  7. Honor when your heart needs to rest and rest it well. There is so much to look forward to in life, but there is a time of rest necessary to recover from heartache.
  8. Know you are not broken but transitioning. You might feel hurt at the time, but your life will come back together in different ways. See your transition for what it is. This moment in time is a moment to form yourself again. You will be a butterfly again soon.
  9. Talk to those who love and care about you. Be honest about how you are feeling. Make sure whomever you talk to is wise enough and stable enough to hear your heart pain. This might be in the form of a counselor or therapist, but remember you were created for a relationship. We all need love from those whom you can call a true friend. Find those who are friends and not those who want just to hear your pain. A good listener embodies compassion for others, especially you.
  10. Love yourself. Learn to heal, to laugh, to cry, and be human. Give gifts to yourself in ways you never did before. The gift of a spiritual awakening is an excellent place to begin. You owe it to yourself and your life to allow the process of grief to complete itself. This means honoring your love as much as your hurt and anger. A life in balance is a life well spent.

I am sure there are so many things I have missed, especially some of the details that come from walking through the severing of ties, grieving, and regaining a new life. A good life coach or counselor can help you reprioritize your life to fit the season you now find yourself in!

Loving you from here,

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry, Ph. D.

JenineMarie.com

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The Haunting of a Relationship Ghoster

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When I was little, I had this massive curiosity about ghosts and the hauntings that went with them. True confessions, I still do! The type of ghosting I am writing about here is not the house haunting, chain-rattling, howling kind. Although, relationship ghosting does rattle chains. Let me sum the experience up in one word it’s HORRIBLE. Let me clarify what relationship ghosting is first, so we are on the same page. There are some characteristics of the ghosting monster. During a relationship ghost experience:

The ghoster might be, or usually is, associated with narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder.

There is no altercation or reason to believe the ghoster will be leaving your life.

Things appear and seem to be going smoothly with no apparent reason for alarm or concern.

The ghoster will not respond to text messages, emails, phone calls, in-person knocks on the door, etc.

The ghoster means to cause you harm, alarm, and delights in your pursuit, knowing they will never respond to you. They love that this causes you distress.

The ghosting intent is to leave you with no closure.

The list above is by no means an exhaustive one. There is great distress when someone ghosts another person. For the distress to be accomplished, the resemblance of a serious relationship must be established. The only way the impact can be as traumatic as it is is when we believe or think a strong love connection has been made.

Yes, this is horribly cruel, and unfortunately, there is nothing to do but get as much love and support from loved ones and move on. When someone ghosts us, there is no recourse. The ghoster will make sure you have nothing to hold onto, and the distress is massive. Ghosting goes far beyond the desire to not be with someone any longer. The ghosting person will completely disappear.

What Does a Mature Break Up Look Like?

Mature people will communicate their lack of desire to continue a relationship. When a usual relationship ends, there will be indications along the way that things are not working out. A mature person confronts their issues with someone honestly and openly, even when they know it will be hard and often hurtful.

Mature people learn to take responsibility for the heart they chose to be in a relationship with and do all they can to guard the painful part of a breakup. Breakups are hard enough. Even when hard feelings are involved, the mature person will still face hardship, work to make it easier for the other, and be open to communication.

For some reason, our advancing technology makes it so much easier to be a relationship ghost. Guaranteed, if this happens to you, your ghoster will make sure humiliation is a part of your journey and healing process. The ghoster will tell everyone you caused it just to cover their behind. Does this sound cruel? It is. It’s heartless. As I said, the usual breaks of relationships have a form of communication that will occur before it happens. The break might be hurtful, but ghosting is painful and humiliating. It is preplanned, premeditated relationship torture.

What to do…

If you have been ghosted and need someone to chat with, please reach out to those who care or a professional who can help you through it. You will survive! You might have a hard time trusting for a while afterward, but you will survive.

Nurture yourself, your self-esteem, and all of the beautiful things you are—Ghosters prey upon those who have beautiful hearts. Take refuge in the truth about who you are and the gift you bring to others. If you stay positive about yourself, past the pain, you will eventually attract someone who will value you too much to ghost you. First, you must respect yourself. Remember, you are worthy of love, and ghosting is not a loving thing. The act of ghosting is about them, not you!

Loving you from here,

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry, Ph.D.

How To Respect Relationship Boundaries: Female to Female

Relationships of any kind are hard. They are a part of our growth in this world. Everything we do or encounter in this world are “about relationship”. When we master interacting we master just about everything. Do you agree with this?

There is none more sacred than the love relationship between romantic partners, especially when the romance results in marriage. God blesses marriage and asks us to keep it sacred and holy. This means, we work hard to preserve what we have because we cherish the gift we have been given. Marriage is a sacred trust and a gift extended to all of us. God honors and blesses us when we honor marriage.

This does not only mean the two involved should honor the relationship but it also means those outside the marriage should honor it too. Honoring another woman’s marriage should be a no “brainer”, but honestly some women need to be told before they understand this. If we are going to empower one another than we are going to need to respect boundaries. Just in case boundaries need to be clarified, I’m going to give some guidelines that might help you.

  1. Do not engage in meaningful conversation with another woman’s husband behind the scenes even if you both feel it is innocent. This is insanely important ladies. Establishing an emotional connection with a man without his wife present is a real no – no. It is way too easy for a man to begin to lean on you when the marriage is going through a trial. This opens up the doorway to breaking down that marriage. I don’t know about you, but I am not willing to be responsible for another person’s marriage going sour.
  2. Do not give advice to someone’s husband separate from his wife. If a man is looking for advice direct him to his wife, or if he needs someone else, to a professional counselor or a male friend he can trust. Everyone needs someone to talk to but you are not the one he should be going to if it does not include his wife. Be wise and fair my dear. Any good intelligent woman knows that she can not be partial enough to extend marital advice to a husband who is seeking answers. If his wife approves and is present then by all means, knock yourself out. To be a trusted friend is a real great thing. We all need those types of people in our lives.

Relationship Magic

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There was nothing more sweet than watching the romantic dances between my mother and father as a young child. I would peek around the corner just to watch them dance to their favorite music, lights dimmed low, and serenity on their faces. Life was not always serene with them but there were those sweet moments that reveals themselves when my parents were caught up in the magic and romance of marriage and relationship.

I have to admit the moments gave me that old time movie impression of what romance was supposed to be like. It was always the wine, roses, music, and of course the dance of romance. I think it’s why I embraced marrying couples for a time. The sweet smiles, gentle tears, glowing faces, and of course the romance between two people.

There are so many ways to keep that magical moment sparkling for years to come. Life does not have to get boring or dull. Marriage can evolve into a depth of companionship that goes beyond the sun and sky. If we are together, it might seem strange to say, we were meant to be together. Even if it is for a moment in time.

Our moments should be cherished although some of them might be strained. It is the dance between two people making their way toward becoming one. We don’t always feel this way, but our oneness is magical. We attracted a person into our lives in order to learn, to love, and to be entranced by that magical dance.

I know it is not always a pretty sight. We strain to find our way when there are moments we feel we have packed our bags and moved in with an alien from another planet. I have to tell you, though, when you feel this way, look around sweetheart. Like attracts like, and you just married yourself in another form. Yes, we differ in some ways. Those are the gifts we bring to the other. It’s the greatest trade off in all the history of humanity. This beautiful and sometimes strenuous dance, we might call a mess at times and others we call it MAGIC!

Loving you from here,

Dr. Jenine Marie Howry, PhD

Jenine Marie Coaching and Ministries LLC

832-484-8306

The Challenge of Hosea

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Hosea was a prophet to Israel canonized in the bible as a part of the old testament. In his time he was the only prophet God appointed to Israel and was challenged with bringing Israel back to God as they worshiped false gods. Hosea, whose name means “salvation” was told by God to marry an adulterous woman. He obeyed this difficult challenge. Her name was Gomer and she ran away from Hosea to sleep with another man. I don’t know if I could take on a relationship I knew was going to be a cheating one from the beginning, would you?  The amazing part of the story is Hosea went after her to bring her back to him even though he knew she had been with another man. God had placed love in his heart for her and that love drew him to extend grace to her in spite of her adulterous ways.

To understand the gravity of the situation, back then in Israel women were stoned to death for the crime of adultery. Yet Hosea’s protective love and grace for her saved her time and time again. He refused to not love her. He refused to scorn her for the things she had done. His love was a covering for her, just like God’s love is for His created and chosen people. He had told Israel in the past, “You will be My people and I will be your God.” This was a promise of love and devotion that God always intended to keep.

God can not break His promise and Hosea never broke his to care for a woman who was continually unfaithful. God’s love for His people was always unfailing, forever and eternal. God can not refuse to love because God IS love. Hosea’s example of love was a living portrait of the love God has always had for His people. His ways are those of restoration and redemption. It’s not to say there was never discipline or suffering for moving against God. A relationship is meant to be enjoyed by two, otherwise it is not a relationship. Yet God’s great mercy always took Israel back when they truly repented and were sorry for their sin.

Hosea’s life was a type and shadow of the same life of a nation called by God to be His chosen people. In this world we are challenged every day, just like Hosea to bring redemption and forgiveness to people who are far away from God’s love. Every time Gomer left Hosea for another man, you have to know she suffered because she was far from the love God had given to him for her. It was love that drew her. I have been often told that real true love is like a rubber band. It will stretch, but it will never break. It always snaps back to itself and reunites, redeems, and restores. Love that is like the love of God covers, protects, and holds its captivated beloved closely.

God restored Israel. Hosea covered and restored Gomer. I often wonder if we can learn to have that kind of restorative love? It’s a challenge when there has been pain, wounds, and ill treatment. The temptation is to give up and walk away. Yet God’s way never leaves and never forsakes. Aren’t we glad His character is like that? I wonder if our character can learn to be like Gods? Can we restore the breaches that have been created by wounds of the past or even present? Can we be a merciful and restorative people and continually draw back those who leave us because our love covers their mistakes? Are we a safe harbor for those who need to come back and dock because the waters have become too much of a challenge? I wonder; in this world, can we love like God? Can we be that light that always welcomes the weary traveler even when their journey has been less than upstanding?

Great questions to ponder. I have to imagine it would take a lot of healing and stripping away of the scars created by continual dysfunction in society. We are all in the same boat looking for a safe harbor to dock. I think I want to be a safe harbor that always extends grace and mercy to the repentant traveler in a world that can be so hard to live in. Temptation fulfills for the moment, but God’s love lasts forever. How would you want our world to be?

Loving you from here,

Dr Jenine Marie Howry

Characteristics of Love: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs (Forgives) and MORE!

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I’m almost at the end of my series on love as it is described in the bible. I think this one is harder for most people than the rest, but it sure is not hard for God. Love keeps no record of wrongs. This means true God-love forgives, but more than that. It also means that true love forgets as well. Aren’t you glad that God is not sitting somewhere with a list of all of the things you are forgiven for but He does not forget? Aren’t you glad every time you mess up God does not bring up all of the times you messed up before?

Real love that does not come from human ego does not keep a list of what happened 10 years ago or even longer. True forgiveness is also forgetfulness. When we love someone we forget their past transgressions and keep on loving them. It’s alright to have different opinions and agree to disagree. What I am talking about is when one person wrongs another. Love forgives them and then forgets it. This happens even if there is no settlement of the issue. Love endures FOREVER. Love endures strife, disagreement, disappointment, and even the most hurtful things that can come up in human existence.

If you think this is hard then maybe turn it around. How do you want love to be when you mess up? We all want forgiveness and forgetfulness. We want second chances and even more. Where love resides we want the important parts of love to endure forever and the rest to fall away. It’s called healing, oneness, kindness, compassion, understanding, and wisdom. It takes maturity to have this kind of love. It gives us all something to strive for. To love freely without condemnation is the greatest gift ever. To continue to love when rejected, torn, and hurt, is God’s way.

We all lose our way. We anger, we have upset emotions and our hurts are exposed for anyone around us. That’s actually a good thing. Nothing heals when hidden. Jesus said the truth sets us free. That works with everything. Forgiveness sets us free. Forgetfulness sets the other free. What kind of love would you like to embody?

Loving you from here,

Dr Jenine Marie Howry

Have You Been Stricken By Cupid’s Arrow?

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For some reason we always associate a heart with an arrow sticking through it as a symbol of someone stricken by love. It does actually mean that but even further, it means a heart that has been tormented by a love that has caused agony. The picture doesn’t have much appeal anymore does it? Who would want to be tormented by an attraction to someone? When I think of a sign with an arrow I think of the “one way” sign. Being tormented by an arrow in the heart makes me think of a love that is only one way and not mutual.

In legend, the arrow is supposedly one that has been released by Cupid, the god of love. Legend has it when someone is stricken in the heart by Cupid’s arrow the first person they gaze upon they will fall madly in love with. It would be an inescapable love for all eternity. It just so happened that Cupid was very attracted to a goddess named Psyche. His mother, Venus, the goddess of love, did not like her so much. So she sent Cupid to go and strike her with an arrow and had planned on her gazing upon a horrible monster so she would fall in love with him. Cupid went on his journey alright, but he was pricked by his own arrow just as he gazed upon Psyche and fell inescapably in love with her forever. According to the legend they married and had a child named Pleasure.

None of it sounds very pleasurable to me. Being stabbed in the heart and brought to agony by love is not my idea of any type of romantic love but one that is forced. True love can never be forced but is gifted to two people who are stricken but not by an arrow. Love is not supposed to be painful nor is it supposed to entrap anyone. Real love brings freedom of expression and delight. It can be for all eternity. In fact, our marriage vows tend to echo that sentiment.

My hope for you is a love that will find you and embrace you for all eternity! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Loving you from here,

Dr Jenine Marie Howry

 

***Wikipedia

Characteristics of Love: Love is Not Rude

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God is love. Can you imagine God’s love ever being rude? Rudeness is offensive and God can not create an offense. It violates universal standards and characteristics of God and love. With everything God has created there is a standard that can be aligned with. One of the standards of God’s love is being polite; the opposite of rude.

Love speaks with a tone of soft acceptance even when the expression is something hard to say. Remember, love draws others inward with acceptance and compassion. Rudeness causes an offense between two people or others. Rudeness draws anger and hurt out of others. I know when someone is real offensive to me it hurts a lot. Any heart that seeks out to have love fill their hearts will be deeply saddened and hurt by someone’s abrupt rudeness or crudeness. It’s not to say that I, or anyone are perfect. We can’t be. We are human. Yet, we all can make an attempt to at least follow the standards of God’s love and work toward having a tone of kindness.

I, like Kind David in the Bible, love God’s standards and characteristics of real love. They give us all something to work toward every day. Today, meditate on kindness again. If you continue to foster the opposite of rudeness you will have set that standard within you and be aligned with God. I know it might be harder when someone is very offensive to not be rude back, but it’s better to be silent before we speak. You will save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run.

Loving you from here,

Dr Jenine Marie Howry

Characteristics of Love: Love Does Not Boast and is Not Proud

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I lumped boasting and pride together because I think they like to hang out together. Have you ever been at a gathering and overheard someone talking about their latest accomplishment or success? This is different than sharing great news. Boasting and being prideful has an inner working of the heart that states someone believes they are better than others. None of us really have to be too discerning to know when another is doing this. It comes from desiring either attention or praise.

Boasting can be very subtle sometimes. When we give to others, make an impression and then go around and tell everyone, it’s not very flattering. Boasting is just plain self centered. For instance, when someone boasts of their good works afterward it reveals a heart that only wanted some form of credit and definately is in need of inner healing. This is not the intention in which any of us should be giving.

Pridefulness is right up there. In fact, boasting mostly comes from pride. Our goodness should be naturally seen and not purposefully exposed to be seen. Pride can get pretty ugly. Have you ever tried to have a discussion with a pride filled person, or even spend time with them? It is alright to be proud of our accomplishments and even display them! This is not the same. Remember, it is the intention of the heart that is the focus. True boasting or pridefulness comes from either attention getting or feeling one is better than others in some way. Pride oversteps boundaries and has a sense of entitlement. Someone who is filled with pride believes they are entitled to better things than others. Sometimes those who have a sense of entitlement believe they even deserve more. It’s ugly all the way around and not true love.

Boasting and pridefulness will judge others as smaller or more insignificant. Sometimes a person with these issues will believe they are smarter, more wise, or even more gifted. Pride and giftedness do not mix at all! A gift comes out of the fountain of humility and never pride.

Real love, Godly love, is not like either of these. Love gives out of kindness and compassion. Love is happy within itself for accomplishments and has no need to be displayed for attention; which would be a sign of the need of inner healing. There is no pride of life in Godly love. God- love is humble, admirable, and can be sensed as so good!

When someone who has accomplished much but has God- love they glow from the inside out for all that has been done or achieved. God- love does not lord itself over others or think higher of itself. God- love extends a higher seat to those around; wishes, hopes, and prays for those whom it comes in contact. God-love displays the light of God, a heart of Oneness, and a spirit of Unity. It comes from that inner temple where God resides and not the human ego self. When true God-love is present between two people in relationship it gives to the other with such joy without looking for something in return. It is a humility and holy presence that is a gift that goes into eternity.

(Remember nothing is in perfection. We are in a learning process. So as you read, let things soak in, and discern, remember to learn and not judge yourself or others)

Loving you from here,

Dr Jenine Marie Howry