This date, September 24th, is the day my son Jayson left this world. It used to be a nightmare to me but now it just burns a little. I’ve learned over the years that grief is the price we pay for love. I believe wholeheartedly the statement is true. I’m reminded of Jesus’ statement to “count the cost” of the decision He presented as an example. I believe it applies to every single decision we make. When having children or even choosing love itself there is a cost and a time when a “goodbye” will have to be said. We just don’t always believe it will be as soon as it might be.
I’m an empath, a sensitive intuitive, and a healer. “Goodbye” was never my strongest moment. I miss our Jayson. I carried him 9 months, and went through so much labor I think it lasted days. It’s still a labor of love and an honor to bring any being into this world. Of course, giving birth to a child has a huge responsibility attached to it. We work hard as parents but we never expect to have to work hard at “goodbye”.
I watched my little boy become a soldier. It was my greatest honor and challenge of them all. With everything comes risk and once again we had to count the cost. The cost was greater than I expected it ever would be. A lesson learned here; we never think the price of love is the pain of loss. It very much can be. The spiritualist part of me knows he lives; just another address now. The mom part of me often wonders what life might have been had he survived.
Loving Jayson does not even express the experience. He was fun, funny, difficult, taxing, and one of the loves of my life. He had one of the most compassionate hearts I ever knew. I think it’s because he went through so very much. At age 20 he left us and continued his life in spirit. In my mind, it was far too soon, but in reality, he lived his full life and purpose.
I dream of him sometimes. My dreams always feel so real. I hear his laugh, his drumming, his goofy sayings, and feel his love for all of us.
Jayson served our country, a mission he took pretty seriously for someone with his humor. It’s strange, I never felt one ounce of fear in him doing so. The fear came later. I wondered how I was going to move forward without him here. I have my answer. I live one day at a time. I know Jayson and his sister Christina are in a good space, but often we are not. We try, but the waves of grief will hit. When they do, I know now to just ride the wave. I know it’s what he would do.
Both Jayson and Christina saw many losses in their lives here on Earth. They both knew the price of love. In a way, they took care of me at difficult moments in my life; a task I never wanted them to ever bear. We all stuck together; my five kids and myself. I’m shaking my head right now just remembering how hard it was to shoulder so much responsibility as a young mom. I know I made huge mistakes but no doubt in my mind, having all of them was a gift and never ever a mistake. I would do it over in a heartbeat. I guess that is part of the reason why I call them all my “heartbeats.”
For those of you who never knew Jayson, you missed a lot. He would be the best friend you ever had unless you negatively messed with him! He had a way of letting people know when they stepped over his boundaries. Most of the time his humor carried us. I think it carried him as well. I know one day I will see him again and hear him say, “Hi Mama.” Until then, I just dream of him, talk to him, and feel so glad he came into my life.
Love you forever Jayson,
Today, just “Mama”
Life Lessons by Jenine Marie 