As someone who practices positive psychology, I’m not particularly eager to talk about the subject of loss so much. When I do, I usually do so in the context of renewal or regaining what was lost. This time I think talking about my own losses is therapeutic. I also believe in living in the moment. This moment beckoned me to release what I am feeling inside and out.
In the early 2000’s I opened a place of healing called The Lilac Center for Healing and Enlightenment in California. I needed to do the healing work I provided. After having lost my son, I needed to give myself an outlet that brought a sense of goodness and purpose in my life. I built my business from the ground up with no help.
At first, I had the adviser line I worked on from home, and later I proudly opened my office in a nearby city. I loved my business so much! My clients told me they felt like they walked into another world when they visited me. I wanted them to feel a sense of peace, and in return, I felt peace as well. The best part of my healing place was I had the opportunity to use my gifts and help my clients transition to a better life. I offered hope, healing, help, and support.
I was privileged to hear the innermost workings of my client’s hearts. I listened to their pain, sorrow, excitement, and sometimes joy. I had the honor of witnessing healing from the inside out. The work I was doing was so much more than work; it was my purpose. Not everyone understood it, but their understanding was not necessary. I knew I had God’s blessing, and the hope in the hearts of those who came to me was enough to keep me going. The spiritual work I found myself doing helped me channel my grief into other people’s healing. I know not everyone embraced my beliefs or even my presence there. Acceptance from some people did not matter compared to the healing God blessed me to bring to others.
In all honesty, I often did not understand how it happened. I don’t question my Creator. I did as I felt led. The one thing I did not count on was a sudden divorce. After being married for quite a few years, my life suddenly came to a standstill. Please don’t ever think a marital breakup does not affect other people outside the marriage. I know the hardship extends its reach far and beyond the severing of the ties of a couple.
I can’t explain it all without writing a book, but I can say that my divorce was like a slow bleed in my life. I watched myself lose one thing after another. One of my divorce terms was I had to refinance my home in my name if I wanted to keep it. I had to keep it for my children, so I did what I had to do. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I could not maintain everything on my own. I lost the equity line of credit through the refinance that helped support my business start-up and anything else when I needed it.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not keep up with the looming needs of my home, my family, and my business. I lost the company next. I cried for days in my office before I could even tell the landlord I would have to leave. On top of losing my business, I found out my new refinanced mortgage was running backward. During the 2008 housing crisis, when so many people were being foreclosed upon, I was soon to learn I had to be one of them. My home loan balance was getting bigger and not going down with payments, and the bank would not refinance me again with a new business loss. All they wanted to do was foreclose anyway. Foreclosure was the goal, and they got what they wanted. I lost my home. Even worse, my family lost their home too. The word depression does not even describe what I felt. I remembered when God had told me once, “If I should find myself waking up sitting in darkness, then He would be the Light that raises me up and pulls me through.” I held onto this promise for a very long time. I have survived. The only thing I have not been able to recover from was my healing center loss. For over a decade, I have not been able to come to the point of rebuilding it. There is no doubt, God has taken care of me, and I have taken care of myself. I have had to jump over more obstacles than I ever imagined. Still, I would do anything to reopen my place of peace and healing physically in this world again.
I need the work I do. My work sustains my heart and gifts me with a sense of passion and purpose in life. Without it, I still struggle with an emptiness that never seems to go away. I believe in universal law, God’s blessings on life, restoration of what has been lost, and the love of a Creator who never could let me down. This is the hardest blow in my life since I lost my son. I need my healing work to resume. I need to be the spiritual guidance counselor, the life coach, the hypnotherapist, and the energy master I have always been. This is my purpose, my passion, my reason for being present. Without my full purpose played out on this earth, I still grieve…