When I write my blog posts, I mostly get my information spiritually for others. Sometimes my writing is about myself. Tonight, this blog is for me. It is because my heart is aching, and it feels like no one would want even to come close to understanding. None of us can ever be an inspired person all the time. Life is just like a bowl of mixed nuts, all filled with different things that we end up eating along with everything else.
As I think back on some of the good things I have accomplished in life, I feel proud. There have been some great times and good moments that I cherish and hold dear. There have been some intensely sad moments when I thought my heart would break in half, but it did not. God has always been standing by with the glue gun to make sure my heart gets put back together whenever the need arises.
I think of those I have counseled over the years, the emotions I have calmed in others, and the situations I have brought people through, and I have to wonder why I never have the pleasure of being heard and comforted when the time arises. Do I appear too confident or together? Lately, I do not feel that way. Maybe I put out the air that I do not need anyone. It could not be further from the truth. We all need one another.
Sometimes I think of Karma and wonder if maybe there is something, I did to attract a situation where I always have to stand alone when things are the hardest. Can it be I tread on waters so torrential that no one else dares tread with me? Sometimes my heart is too sensitive. It’s what makes me compassionate. Sometimes my heart feels like It is going to break into a thousand pieces, like now.
Regardless of what the reason, I have felt almost invisible for the last seven years or so. My expressions of distress are met with things like, “I’m sorry to hear that,” or ” I hope you feel better soon.” Then the door is shut. As long as I have no uplifting words for someone else, there is nothing left to say.
I think to myself; I can talk to God and all the spiritual support I have. Tonight, I need more than that. We all come to a crossroads where someone who truly has mutual compassion is necessary. Suddenly I feel very alone. I am not lonely, just alone. There is a difference, you know. I can be alone for long periods and never feel lonely. Yet there are other moments I wish I had not walked the road I have. It appears to be a dark alley, and all along, I thought it was a bright tunnel filled with lights and guidance.
When guidance is not enough, yet God is enough, sometimes I need Him to send me some earth angels. I feel like my heart is hurting so much it can be heard all across the world and back, and yet all I get is an echo and then silence.
Loving you from here,
Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry