What It’s Been Like to Feel the Loss of my Daughter (Sorry, this is not as uplifting)

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It’s been almost a year now since my Christina left this world. To say “it hurts to have her die” loses something in the translation. Yes, It hurts. I’m choosing to write this today because I am more broken. My real feelings will come out and that is my intention. I know all of the things that my faith has told me. Heck, others have told me too. These are things like, “she’s in a better place”, “she’s happier now”, and “she no longer feels any pain”. These are only some of the things I have heard and been “encouraged with” by those who just don’t understand. I know where my Christina is. Sometimes I feel her and sometimes I wish I could hug her when I do.

The hard reality is not the things that “she” is right now, it is where I am right now. You see, I am the one still here stuck in a human body. So therefore I am NOT in a better place. I am NOT happier now, and I feel the crushing feeling of my heart being torn up into 50,000 pieces and no one understands this. No one gets that it takes time to get used to a new normal. Therefore I am the one feeling the pain now. No one understands we never get over loving someone and that is a reality. Sometimes I want silence and sometimes I want someone to just sit and listen to me even if I repeat myself a thousand times. Sometimes I want to be heard even if I felt different or better the day before but today is harder. Sometimes I just need someone to take the time to show me I have a reason to be here even though my firstborn son and daughter are not.

This is no picnic and it sure is no game. I don’t need to be shown how little my business has produced. I am well aware of that. I don’t need to be told how unbalanced or out of sorts I am. God knows I can’t be anything else but myself. I sure don’t need anyone to turn their back on my tears because I have shed a million and I might shed a million more. When I do shed them, most of the time I want comfort, not confrontation. I’m sure everyone has an idea of how I should get my life back together. I’ve heard them all. Tell me, “Have you lost a child”? Because if you have not then don’t speak into my life about how it should be now. Let me spell it out, “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND” because you don’t know.

Every single day is a challenge. I make plans to get out and get some things “done” and yet I am stuck. Sometimes I go and sometimes I don’t feel like even making that leap. And you know what? It’s ok. I don’t have to do anything “expected” of me. I don’t need that pressure. So please, don’t expect anything from me. Let me launch out as I am ready. There are times I want to dance, sing, and let my heart soar. Sometimes I meditate and listen to the silence inside me or the beat of my own heart. Then there are times it feels like a volcano lives inside of me and stuff comes rushing out in heart heaving tears and I wonder where they all come from. Even more, I wonder if they will ever stop.

If my grieving is inconvenient for you I won’t apologize. I have not wished this upon myself, nor do I ever wish it on you. It’s not my fault my daughter’s heart gave out. I carried that heart with me for many many years and I will carry her soul with me forever. Love does not just go away because someone died. Love stays and builds up so tight inside that it has to come bursting out some way. So it comes out with crushing tears, heartbreak, and extreme sadness. Sometimes I laugh. I just find something funny and laugh until I can’t breathe. It’s all the same release.

Whether you get it or not makes no difference. The main idea is don’t put more on me than I already have. There is only so much one person can take and I am at my limit. You see, I already lost, so losing those who want to just turn their backs on me won’t phase me one way or another. Just don’t heap more junk on me. I don’t need it nor want it.

The things I do need are compassion. Compassion does not have to understand, it just “stands with me”. I need love. Love covers all things and will blanket the days and nights that seem so hard to bear sometimes. I need faith. Even if I can’t muster up any faith for myself, have some for me. I need prayers. I believe prayers will be heard and acted upon by the great “I AM” and I will be in those hands. I need listening ears. Even if I repeat myself, even if I don’t make sense, even if I am angry, even if I hurt like I will burst, or if I want to just talk about memories that make me feel close to my son and daughter.

I have always been a determined person. I will get through this with or without anything. Whatever you do, don’t worry about me. I am stubborn and determined to stick out this life until I am 109 years old if that is God’s will for me. I’ll do it with tears, laughter, pain, upset, thriving or not. Some day I will soar again and it can’t come too soon for me. In the meantime, I am letting the process be just that: a process. If no one chooses to be good to me, I will be good to myself. If no one wants to hear my tears, I will cry with God. Everyone has a choice in life. Mine is to be as I am with no expectations whether anyone else joins me in this life or not.

Just Jenine Marie

My Updated Website with New Programs for Anxiety and Depression on the Rise!

Why am I in a warm jacket? Well, it has been a cold winter in Texas but at least summer is coming!

Anxiety and depression are two of the most prevalent and devastating mental issues humans struggle with.

Whether the issues come from a chemical imbalance or life situations not dealt with, it’s all the same. If not addressed it can all become out of control!

Since the subjects are near and dear to my heart I am dedicating my services to anxiety, and depression and also will be adding grief support at a later time. I have struggled with anxiety and depression all of my life. Over the years I have discovered through education and my own life experience that there were so many things I did not know that I wish I had. To top off the struggles with symptoms I never understood, I am an OVER ACHIEVER! Yep, it has plagued me all of my life, sometimes to the point of shutting me down out of adrenal exhaustion.

We will get into that! My developing program will include:

6-hourly directional guidance sessions, one per week for 6 weeks.

6 Guided meditation recordings, one for each week, that can be downloaded and kept forever!

2 Hypnosis sessions are recorded and can be downloaded to use forever. These can be used at the beginning of the 6 weeks or split up however desired!

2 Energy healing sessions with Reiki, Chakra balancing, Chakra adjusting, and intuitive clairvoyant insights into your energy field. These sessions are done as partners and we work together to help bring out issues, clarify them and help heal them!

1 PDF file workbook all about anxiety and depression with journal prompts and spaces to do some writing or use your own journal!

I can’t wait to get these completed so you can begin to heal as soon as possible! I have one discounted price for all of it and a payment schedule to help you along.

All of my services can be booked separate from the program and have an hourly rate. I use PayPal as a payment method. You can not lose giving it a try!

Come visit me at JenineMarie.com and see a new developing blog just for anxiety and depression. Grief issues will be added later on!

Loving you from here!

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry

** My programs and sessions are not to take the place of medical advice or clinical therapy but to enhance them and bring a more broad scope of healing information your way!

** Read and subscribe at JenineMarie.com

Do You Hang with a Telephone Gossip, or Dirty Talker?

road-people-street-smartphone.jpgIt is so true that we become like the people we hang around with or talk to. I have watched people transform in the wrong directions just talking to new people who bring out the worst in them instead of the best. This is absolute truth. If the words of your friends, connections, and others, are not edifying, you will become just like them. Ditch them!

Seriously! What you put out there is what you manifest in your life. What you listen to and engage in regarding conversation is what will also guide your life. Marriages are broken, families are separated, reputations are lost, and lifestyles go down the drain through bad connections.

Remember God’s words about hanging out with a gossip. DON’T DO IT! Everything they say to you and everything you say to them will become like a radio broadcast. Before you know it you have no idea why others start to avoid you. You stop getting promotions, people won’t like you, and you will wonder why. Watch your words. If they are changing and you are becoming more bold with things that are less than pure, you are talking to the WRONG people in your life.

You will then watch God and His created Universe only support and send dirty things into your life that will keep you from His best. Do you want this? Here is a suggestion.

Make a list of all of those you connect with on a regular basis and think about how interacting with them affects your life. Do they bring blessing or do they bring division between you and God’s blessings? If you listen and talk with a dirty talker then you will be pegged as one as well. Not only that, you will BECOME one.

Look toward those who have good hearts and pure minds. They are those who will be supportive when things are hard. There are a lot of good people and good choices to make out there. Make the good ones and watch your life be blessed and cared for!

**Talk to someone you can trust and will hold your confidence. These are those who you can let everything hang out and they are accepting, non judgmental, and support you no matter what. Stick with friends who will compassionately listen, laugh with you, and hope the best for you no matter what you have to share with them.

Loving you from here,

Dr. Jenine Marie Howry, PhD

Jenine Marie Coaching and Ministries LLC