What It’s Been Like to Feel the Loss of my Daughter (Sorry, this is not as uplifting)

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It’s been almost a year now since my Christina left this world. To say “it hurts to have her die” loses something in the translation. Yes, It hurts. I’m choosing to write this today because I am more broken. My real feelings will come out and that is my intention. I know all of the things that my faith has told me. Heck, others have told me too. These are things like, “she’s in a better place”, “she’s happier now”, and “she no longer feels any pain”. These are only some of the things I have heard and been “encouraged with” by those who just don’t understand. I know where my Christina is. Sometimes I feel her and sometimes I wish I could hug her when I do.

The hard reality is not the things that “she” is right now, it is where I am right now. You see, I am the one still here stuck in a human body. So therefore I am NOT in a better place. I am NOT happier now, and I feel the crushing feeling of my heart being torn up into 50,000 pieces and no one understands this. No one gets that it takes time to get used to a new normal. Therefore I am the one feeling the pain now. No one understands we never get over loving someone and that is a reality. Sometimes I want silence and sometimes I want someone to just sit and listen to me even if I repeat myself a thousand times. Sometimes I want to be heard even if I felt different or better the day before but today is harder. Sometimes I just need someone to take the time to show me I have a reason to be here even though my firstborn son and daughter are not.

This is no picnic and it sure is no game. I don’t need to be shown how little my business has produced. I am well aware of that. I don’t need to be told how unbalanced or out of sorts I am. God knows I can’t be anything else but myself. I sure don’t need anyone to turn their back on my tears because I have shed a million and I might shed a million more. When I do shed them, most of the time I want comfort, not confrontation. I’m sure everyone has an idea of how I should get my life back together. I’ve heard them all. Tell me, “Have you lost a child”? Because if you have not then don’t speak into my life about how it should be now. Let me spell it out, “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND” because you don’t know.

Every single day is a challenge. I make plans to get out and get some things “done” and yet I am stuck. Sometimes I go and sometimes I don’t feel like even making that leap. And you know what? It’s ok. I don’t have to do anything “expected” of me. I don’t need that pressure. So please, don’t expect anything from me. Let me launch out as I am ready. There are times I want to dance, sing, and let my heart soar. Sometimes I meditate and listen to the silence inside me or the beat of my own heart. Then there are times it feels like a volcano lives inside of me and stuff comes rushing out in heart heaving tears and I wonder where they all come from. Even more, I wonder if they will ever stop.

If my grieving is inconvenient for you I won’t apologize. I have not wished this upon myself, nor do I ever wish it on you. It’s not my fault my daughter’s heart gave out. I carried that heart with me for many many years and I will carry her soul with me forever. Love does not just go away because someone died. Love stays and builds up so tight inside that it has to come bursting out some way. So it comes out with crushing tears, heartbreak, and extreme sadness. Sometimes I laugh. I just find something funny and laugh until I can’t breathe. It’s all the same release.

Whether you get it or not makes no difference. The main idea is don’t put more on me than I already have. There is only so much one person can take and I am at my limit. You see, I already lost, so losing those who want to just turn their backs on me won’t phase me one way or another. Just don’t heap more junk on me. I don’t need it nor want it.

The things I do need are compassion. Compassion does not have to understand, it just “stands with me”. I need love. Love covers all things and will blanket the days and nights that seem so hard to bear sometimes. I need faith. Even if I can’t muster up any faith for myself, have some for me. I need prayers. I believe prayers will be heard and acted upon by the great “I AM” and I will be in those hands. I need listening ears. Even if I repeat myself, even if I don’t make sense, even if I am angry, even if I hurt like I will burst, or if I want to just talk about memories that make me feel close to my son and daughter.

I have always been a determined person. I will get through this with or without anything. Whatever you do, don’t worry about me. I am stubborn and determined to stick out this life until I am 109 years old if that is God’s will for me. I’ll do it with tears, laughter, pain, upset, thriving or not. Some day I will soar again and it can’t come too soon for me. In the meantime, I am letting the process be just that: a process. If no one chooses to be good to me, I will be good to myself. If no one wants to hear my tears, I will cry with God. Everyone has a choice in life. Mine is to be as I am with no expectations whether anyone else joins me in this life or not.

Just Jenine Marie

What Will You Resurrect This Year?

Have you ever had a dream that began with so much spark and enthusiasm, only to have it fizzle in the wake of waves that overpowered them? Yep, me too! Sometimes I look back on the “brilliant” ideas that came to me at one time and think to myself, “Oh yeah, I remember that!” I discover I still love it and wonder why I had not been paying attention to the intuitive nudge that sparked my creativity.

We were born to dream, and dream BIG; even BIGGER! Maybe today is the day you reinvent the brilliant idea that came to you before. Or maybe it’s the day you decide to conquer that awesome job opportunity or business idea? I can never resist a good travel dream or book deal that suddenly I’ve scored because I followed through on my yearning.

Let’s amp up our follow-through and get that dream revved up again! No time like the present to give yourself the gift of a lifetime! If you have needed a nudge, well here it is! NUDGE! Get it done! Write down your dream and make it real to you. Describe every facet of what it looks like, feels like, and enjoy it with all of your senses! What will life be like once you have that dream activated in your life?

Get that dream on your vision board, in your journal, on sticky notes, and meditate it like crazy! Your passion, your creativity, your birthright, and your inheritance are to be able to create in life. Create what sparks your heart and you will never ever fail to surprise yourself!

Make it REAL! Call me and leave it on my voice mail! Yes, you heard me right! I will send you some good vibes, energy, and prayers, and I might even text you some inspiration. Or just give it a voice! If you are willing to do that you know your dream is THAT important to you! So why not? Don’t be shy, it’s only voice mail! LOL. 832-484-8306. Don’t let fear stop you. Don’t let anything stop you! You were made for such a time as this. Hmmm, where have I heard that line before? Oh yes, the book of Ester in the bible! So, go and conquer!

Loving you from here,

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry

JenineMarie.com

PS, you can also go to my website and enter your dream into the chatbox that is at the bottom left of the page. I promise I will honor your creativity and put my energy with yours! Love you!

“No More Faking Fine”: Book Suggestion

meHello Everyone!

I discovered this book just browsing through Amazon’s book list and I am so glad I have found it! It is written by Esther Fleece with a forward by Louie and Shelly Giglio. The author talks about “ending the pretending” as it is written on the front cover. She was/is a very successful female minister , until she took a break, and realized that is it unbiblical to live a fake life. So many walk into church with a smile and then leave with tears and wounds stuck inside. In order to be healed we have to get real. I loved reading the authors journey and her loving expressions regarding the church and how to heal our personal”fakeness”.

I have inserted the Amazon link graphic here in my post. If you would like to read this book, please order , if you will, through my graphic. I am an Amazon Associate for my blog and my ministry. It does NOT cost more for your purchase. Amazon gives me referral fees when I promote their products, books, etc. You WILL glean a lot from this book! Please enjoy and be welcome to come back and comment on how you liked it, how it helped you, and anything else you would like to express!

Purchase by clicking the link below!  Embracing “real”. Pastor Jenine Marie Howry 800-421-1765 for prayer.

“No More Faking Fine”