Something I read for school last night set me on the edge of the world, dangling my feet. One chapter of one book spoke so loud I cried. It’s too scary to say what it was about because it gave me such a feeling of failure. I thought of all of the choices I should have made but didn’t. I thought of the ones I did make that altered my life forever. It’s funny, out of all of the things I have done in life, it never seemed to be the right choice; not for me, and certainly not for anyone else. My approval rating went out the window last night. I felt lost in a world of unfeeling people whom I felt suddenly never cared.
I thought of all that I gave out and how it never was good enough, or just not enough. I ultimately believe we reap what we sow. I know for sure I have sown good things, and I know I have also sown not such good things. Either way, for that one moment in time, I felt like I have been reaping all of the hard parts and none of what I genuinely have desired in life.
As I sat there last night with my “I’m not good enough” mentality, I could not wrap my head around how I have been strong enough to get through the garbage I have had to wade through in life. Believe me, garbage stinks. I was never allowed to say it was wrong, that it stank, or that I felt unhappy about it. It was just my garbage, and I had to deal with it with no consolation. As I watched people go in and out of my life, I wondered if any one of them ever truly cared. Last night one by one, each of them came to my mind. Each time someone appeared I shook my head. I thought of how hard I tried, but it was never ever enough. I was always WRONG. My feelings were wrong, my heart was wrong, my life was just all wrong.
Of course, I cried. I cried until I slept. I wondered if anyone else ever felt like this, that their life was just wrong. At this very moment, it still feels the same. My heart aches, but one thing has changed. As I struggled to journal this morning, I could not get past just one line. I read all of my affirmations, said my prayers, and did my usual morning rituals. I could not write one thing to encourage myself or anyone else.
As I closed my eyes, I heard that deep voice within tell me, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” I wonder who that was? Of course, I recognize the voice and the statement. There is still a well that is deep inside of me, inside of us all, that inhabits the Creator of all things. God, the one who has loved with an everlasting love, lives there, resides there, has taken up residence there. I could feel the sun come out and the Son come out. This morning, I realized the whole world could pass away, but one thing remains, God is always the strength of my heart. God is always the One who has loved with an everlasting love, and God so loved that He gave…
“From out of these ashes, this phoenix will still rise…” – Octavia Blake (paraphrased)
Loving you from here,
Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry, PhD