The Haunting of a Relationship Ghoster

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When I was little, I had this massive curiosity about ghosts and the hauntings that went with them. True confessions, I still do! The type of ghosting I am writing about here is not the house haunting, chain-rattling, howling kind. Although, relationship ghosting does rattle chains. Let me sum the experience up in one word it’s HORRIBLE. Let me clarify what relationship ghosting is first, so we are on the same page. There are some characteristics of the ghosting monster. During a relationship ghost experience:

The ghoster might be, or usually is, associated with narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder.

There is no altercation or reason to believe the ghoster will be leaving your life.

Things appear and seem to be going smoothly with no apparent reason for alarm or concern.

The ghoster will not respond to text messages, emails, phone calls, in-person knocks on the door, etc.

The ghoster means to cause you harm, alarm, and delights in your pursuit, knowing they will never respond to you. They love that this causes you distress.

The ghosting intent is to leave you with no closure.

The list above is by no means an exhaustive one. There is great distress when someone ghosts another person. For the distress to be accomplished, the resemblance of a serious relationship must be established. The only way the impact can be as traumatic as it is is when we believe or think a strong love connection has been made.

Yes, this is horribly cruel, and unfortunately, there is nothing to do but get as much love and support from loved ones and move on. When someone ghosts us, there is no recourse. The ghoster will make sure you have nothing to hold onto, and the distress is massive. Ghosting goes far beyond the desire to not be with someone any longer. The ghosting person will completely disappear.

What Does a Mature Break Up Look Like?

Mature people will communicate their lack of desire to continue a relationship. When a usual relationship ends, there will be indications along the way that things are not working out. A mature person confronts their issues with someone honestly and openly, even when they know it will be hard and often hurtful.

Mature people learn to take responsibility for the heart they chose to be in a relationship with and do all they can to guard the painful part of a breakup. Breakups are hard enough. Even when hard feelings are involved, the mature person will still face hardship, work to make it easier for the other, and be open to communication.

For some reason, our advancing technology makes it so much easier to be a relationship ghost. Guaranteed, if this happens to you, your ghoster will make sure humiliation is a part of your journey and healing process. The ghoster will tell everyone you caused it just to cover their behind. Does this sound cruel? It is. It’s heartless. As I said, the usual breaks of relationships have a form of communication that will occur before it happens. The break might be hurtful, but ghosting is painful and humiliating. It is preplanned, premeditated relationship torture.

What to do…

If you have been ghosted and need someone to chat with, please reach out to those who care or a professional who can help you through it. You will survive! You might have a hard time trusting for a while afterward, but you will survive.

Nurture yourself, your self-esteem, and all of the beautiful things you are—Ghosters prey upon those who have beautiful hearts. Take refuge in the truth about who you are and the gift you bring to others. If you stay positive about yourself, past the pain, you will eventually attract someone who will value you too much to ghost you. First, you must respect yourself. Remember, you are worthy of love, and ghosting is not a loving thing. The act of ghosting is about them, not you!

Loving you from here,

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Love Bombing: Have You Been Its Target?

tumblr_nb1kh3NtGR1tar97bo1_1280I suppose before I start, for those who do not know, I should explain what “love bombing” is and why it is a part of relationship abuse cycles. Love bombing is something  someone who is a narcissist, or potential abuser, does in order to hook someone into a relationship very quickly with them. They do this by pouring out love and devotion way too soon during your connection. For instance, you meet someone and within a day they are “in love with you” and know you are the one they want the rest of their life. During love bombing you will get messages all day long, phone calls, emails, texts, and all of them will have undying devotion. Statements like “I know you are the one” or “I am going to marry you some day” will come out of them far before that person even knows you very well.

You will receive complements, flowers, a continual connection, and all of your time will be consumed by this narcissistic person. You will be his/her love of their life long before they even know what kind of person you are. This is a huge relationship red flag by the way. Let me share one of my personal examples.

After meeting someone for the first time to have dinner, I received a text message while I was still driving home that stated, “I know you are the one, I like you far much more than I even expected. What was the best part of our date for you tonight?” We did have a great time with a lot of talk about personal things. He was very likable, adorable, and seemingly kind; a very easy person to talk to.

The love bombing continued. I had a text the very first thing in the morning, a call as soon as work was over, another date secured the moment there was time free. Each date was like a dream come true. He cooked for me, shared personal information easily with me, and listened to my heart while holding my hand. All of these things seem very likable. In fact they seemed to be the answer to my prayers. I was sucked in, hook, line, and sinker. We were both Christians so he prayed with me and did a good job of it. All of the prayers offered the indication there was already devotion and they alluded to marriage from the beginning. Within a very short period of time those suggestions regarding marriage became actual verbal statements. “I know I will marry you and we will spend the rest of our lives together. ”

While these things seem great, they were happening way too soon and way too fast. A love bomber will give you no time for anyone else in life. He/she will take all of your time with their undying devotion, romantic gestures, and dating interludes. You will find that you have no time for friends or family members and many of them will wonder where you have been for the last week, month, or months. This is actually a strategic tactic to get you more isolated and it works like a charm for many unless you recognize it and understand it. The problem is, once they hook you there is a greater opportunity to bring someone else into the picture without your knowledge. Suddenly he/she won’t have as much time for you as before. Or you will have a set schedule so there will be no reason to think he/she has someone else. All the while your new love is setting up what is called “triangulation”.

Triangulation is the narcissistic integration of another person whom he or she is love bombing as well in order to create their very strategic and sick drama. Sometimes the triangulation happens with an ex partner and sometimes it is someone they used to date, or someone completely new. That person may or may not know about you. If they do know about you, he or she will make sure you are the “crazy person” that they can’t get rid of. This gains sympathy and helps the love bomber create an aura of being victimized in order to secure the triangulated new person.

I know this all seems a bit way out there, but this HAPPENS and it has happened to me! If someone seems to be expressing undying love for you way too soon and is showering you with gifts, complements, and dates. If that person is getting close too fast and isolating you from others you usually spend time with. RUN! Love bombing is a narcissistic covert action that will eventually be something that causes you great pain in the end.

If you have been the victim of a narcissist and their love bombing. I want to pray for you. You can call anytime at 800-421-1765 and please leave a message for a call back. These actions are more common than you might think and there are many who are out there struggling with the very same issues. You are not alone! There is support. Find a good support group or even start one! We need all the empowerment we can get after being affected by a narcissist.

With loving education,

Pastor Jenine Marie Howry

Jenine Marie Coaching and Ministries

**Image compliments of “It Is Quiet Here”