The Haunting of a Relationship Ghoster

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When I was little, I had this massive curiosity about ghosts and the hauntings that went with them. True confessions, I still do! The type of ghosting I am writing about here is not the house haunting, chain-rattling, howling kind. Although, relationship ghosting does rattle chains. Let me sum the experience up in one word it’s HORRIBLE. Let me clarify what relationship ghosting is first, so we are on the same page. There are some characteristics of the ghosting monster. During a relationship ghost experience:

The ghoster might be, or usually is, associated with narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder.

There is no altercation or reason to believe the ghoster will be leaving your life.

Things appear and seem to be going smoothly with no apparent reason for alarm or concern.

The ghoster will not respond to text messages, emails, phone calls, in-person knocks on the door, etc.

The ghoster means to cause you harm, alarm, and delights in your pursuit, knowing they will never respond to you. They love that this causes you distress.

The ghosting intent is to leave you with no closure.

The list above is by no means an exhaustive one. There is great distress when someone ghosts another person. For the distress to be accomplished, the resemblance of a serious relationship must be established. The only way the impact can be as traumatic as it is is when we believe or think a strong love connection has been made.

Yes, this is horribly cruel, and unfortunately, there is nothing to do but get as much love and support from loved ones and move on. When someone ghosts us, there is no recourse. The ghoster will make sure you have nothing to hold onto, and the distress is massive. Ghosting goes far beyond the desire to not be with someone any longer. The ghosting person will completely disappear.

What Does a Mature Break Up Look Like?

Mature people will communicate their lack of desire to continue a relationship. When a usual relationship ends, there will be indications along the way that things are not working out. A mature person confronts their issues with someone honestly and openly, even when they know it will be hard and often hurtful.

Mature people learn to take responsibility for the heart they chose to be in a relationship with and do all they can to guard the painful part of a breakup. Breakups are hard enough. Even when hard feelings are involved, the mature person will still face hardship, work to make it easier for the other, and be open to communication.

For some reason, our advancing technology makes it so much easier to be a relationship ghost. Guaranteed, if this happens to you, your ghoster will make sure humiliation is a part of your journey and healing process. The ghoster will tell everyone you caused it just to cover their behind. Does this sound cruel? It is. It’s heartless. As I said, the usual breaks of relationships have a form of communication that will occur before it happens. The break might be hurtful, but ghosting is painful and humiliating. It is preplanned, premeditated relationship torture.

What to do…

If you have been ghosted and need someone to chat with, please reach out to those who care or a professional who can help you through it. You will survive! You might have a hard time trusting for a while afterward, but you will survive.

Nurture yourself, your self-esteem, and all of the beautiful things you are—Ghosters prey upon those who have beautiful hearts. Take refuge in the truth about who you are and the gift you bring to others. If you stay positive about yourself, past the pain, you will eventually attract someone who will value you too much to ghost you. First, you must respect yourself. Remember, you are worthy of love, and ghosting is not a loving thing. The act of ghosting is about them, not you!

Loving you from here,

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry, Ph.D.

Don’t Allow Someone’s Rejection Define You!

beautiful-sky-with-mountains-in-the-distance_1232-718It’s pretty common for women who have been in an abusive relationship to continually place their worth and value outside of themselves. Part of the abuse cycle is practically begging the abuser to want you, and part of their abuse is to reject you. This is especially true if the abuser is a narcissist. I know this sounds sickening but they thrive on it and depend on your response to their neglect of your needs. It makes them feel powerful and in control. Then when you express what you need you have fallen into their trap. They can tell you how unreasonable you are, and to just be happy with what you have even though you feel neglected. Let me release you here. You are entitled to your own feelings even if no one else agrees with them. They are yours and if you feel hurt then no one can tell you that you are overreacting. You are a person of great value and your heart matters as well as how you express what is in it no matter how it comes out. (Meaning even with tears).

The best response in this situation is to agree with them. They are right. Your happiness, your value, and your worth do not depend on them or anyone else wanting you. Your beauty does not depend on anyone else expressing desire for you. I know it takes a lot to begin to truly believe this if you are in the habit of not believing it.

It can be very frustrating and humiliating to feel you need to constantly beg someone to love you when there is only so much they can give. It’s also very frustrating to wait on someone to express their devotion to you when that might not ever happen. Hear me. You don’t have to hang your hat on a wrack that won’t support it. Recognize that some people are limited when it comes to the compassion department. It’s not you, its them. Your part is allowing yourself to be sucked into the pattern over and over again. STOP.

Remember God supports you and loves you the way He made you. You might even “know this” but it has not sunk deep enough for you to truly believe it. Give yourself time. I am positive that if you work on this every single day you will begin to see how much you truly are worth without any one else’s affirmation. Here are some suggestions:

  1. Live out loud. Don’t keep things stifled inside of you or isolate yourself in your feelings. Talk to someone who will edify you and remind you who you are.
  2. Write down all of the things that are your strengths and go with those. Focusing on strengths can help you stop looking at what you perceive as weakness or what you feel is “not good enough”.
  3. Connect with others who deal with what you do and support, lift up, and edify each other. There is strength in numbers.
  4. Look up Scriptures in the Bible that remind you of your worth to God and post them everywhere so you can see them on a regular basis. Let the truth of them soak into you.
  5. I know this one is a weird one, but get mad at the situation enough to make a change for the better. Allow your hurt feelings and anger about bad treatment to propel you forward instead of inward.

Remember that your value in this world is off the charts. There is not even a large enough number to even come close to explaining it. God sees your value every day. Commit yourself to seeing it as well. If your heart is broken work on healing it with God and become stronger. This does not mean “hardened”. You don’t need to be hard hearted to be strong, but on the contrary you can be strong by giving of who you are to someone who truly wants all you have to give!

Finish these sentences: I am valuable because _______________________________________

My greatest strengths are ____________________________________________________________

My God given gift is/are ___________________________________________________________________

My love in this world is important because _________________________________________\

These are the people who need and appreciate me: _________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________

A Statement for You

“I will give my attention to those people and consider myself as a gift. I will release myself from the feeling that I have to beg someone to love, care, or appreciate me, no matter how much it hurts. I will let God heal those areas of my life.”

It takes some work on your part to overcome the affects of someone else’s neglect, abuse, or lack of appreciation, but you have this one! You can do this with God. Repeat:

“I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.”

Pastor Jenine Marie Howry

800-421-1765

 

Narcissism in a “Nutshell”

downloadBefore I start this post I have to ask you to pardon the pun in the title. It is not meant to be humorous, but it more describes the life of one who is closely connected to a narcissist. It makes a person feel nuts and also shrinks them down to a shell of a person. It’s a volatile connection that makes a person feel crazy inside and out, and can also be very dangerous depending on the type of narcissist.

A narcissist is a person who has no capacity to love, lacks real true empathy, and can be very demeaning. I read one woman’s article that likened the connection to “rape of the soul”. Paul describes a narcissist in his letter to Timothy when he spoke of a type of people in the last days.  He also gives us direction regarding them. He says, “Have nothing to do with such people. ”

2 Timothy 3: 2-5

 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive,disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,  treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God  having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.”

The word narcissist comes from the name Narcissus in Greek Mythology. According to legend, Narcissus was a prideful person and hated all of those who loved him. Once taken to a pool of water to witness his reflection he had fallen in love with himself so much that he refused to leave his own image until he died. [2]

Psychology coined the word narcissist in that the personality disorder is of one who is prideful and hate those who love them because they can not love anyone else. The Mayo Clinic quotes some of the personality traits of a narcissist as determined by the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Illness). Some of these are:

A sense of entitlement, exaggerated sense of importance, requires admiration, takes advantage of others, unwilling to recognize the needs of others, (lacks empathy), believe themselves to be superior. [1] A narcissist is in love with only themselves and can not relate to giving real love to others. Narcissist/Sociopaths can be very dangerous in that they are apt to create and do evil to others. They can spin a person’s head around just by interacting with them.

Narcissists love attention and will do anything to bring it to themselves. They will dazzle you with their charm and then destroy you with their anger and brash ways, only to dazzle you again. Bad situations in your life with this person will always be YOUR fault in their mind and will make you feel that is true. A narcissist can be double minded and say one thing but do another. They can also say one thing and then contradict what they said right afterward to make you feel nuts. This person will have no compassion for you and will try to cause you to feel as though everything you do is wrong. Interacting with them will cause you to feel like you are responsible for the world’s unhappiness. They gain power and their worth by crushing others and need to do this in order to get their narcissistic supply.

They will back stab and triangulate you with other people in order to create drama and chaos. You will wonder why people around you seem to not like you. It’s because the narcissist has spoken poorly of you in their need to set you up for a painful experience. They truly thrive on the pain of others.

This is a real illness and there is NO cure. You will always know when you have been lured by one of these people because all of a sudden your life will seem out of control from chaos you can’t explain. If you meet someone like this, RUN! Nothing is worth the pain they create in the lives of others. God and God alone can deal with them, so please, do not try to “fix them”. You can’t.

Why am I writing about this? Because I know what it is like to have encountered people like this. In fact, I know what it is like to encounter a sociopath. Believe me, when you do, you know it. This person will screw your head on backwards and turn your guts inside out. They will stalk you, make you look bad, slander you, cause you to think you are the one who is crazy, flawed, or messed up. You will doubt your own judgement and your life will spin out of control.

If you are in a relationship like this, please seek out the help of a professional in order to be released from them. That is your hope, and hope in God. He will show the way and will empower you to heal afterward. In Him, you are in good hands. There is hope for YOU.

I want to pray for you :

Dear God, help those effected by narcissistic people to see them for who they are. Open their eyes and help their hearts. Provide for them safe escape and bring them to a place of healing of the heart and soul. Send them a person to lean on and surround them with peace, love, and acceptance. We thank You, Lord, for all You are and the healing You provide, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

In love, healing, and peace,

Pastor Jenine Marie Howry

800-421-1765

Jenine Marie Coaching

 

 

 

[1]Mayo Clinic. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 2016. Retrieved from: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568

[2]Wikipedia contributors. “Narcissus (mythology).” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 16 Dec. 2016. Web. 16 Dec. 2016.