When you were a child, did you ever hold onto a toy you loved even though it was broken? It’s a sad situation when a broken thing can not be fixed and yet it’s held onto like it will somehow come back to life.
Relationships with people can be the same way. They might be broken, but for some reason, we keep on hanging onto what no longer works, or maybe never worked. All this will cause is suffering. We have to look at that broken thing every single day of our lives and just feel bad.
No matter what we think, believe, or imagine, someone who disrespects you or does not put into a relationship the same as you do is just dead weight. You will carry that broken thing until you are broken as well. Letting it all go might feel like hell for the moment but in the long haul… it’s a blessing.
Some connections are lessons to be learned, but once that lesson has been accomplished there is no reason to allow dead weight from an uncaring person to weigh you down. Rethink your relationships. A broken irreparable toy will never be of use to you again but will continue to make you feel loss over and over. Do you want or deserve that? Your life is more important than having someone come into it and break YOU because of their brokenness. Don’t allow that to happen again. Not ever.
Have you ever encountered a laughing person spewing out their sense of humor with words that actually hurt more than they are funny? If your answer is “no” you are lucky. When someone is humorous but saying hurtful things to us it’s usually called “sarcasm“. Before I go on, let me give you a Wikipedia definition of what sarcasm is.
“Sarcasm is the caustic use of words, often in a humorous way, to mock someone or something. Sarcasm may employ ambivalence, although it is not necessarily ironic.” Wikipedia I highlighted two of the most prominent words in the definition in bold type so you can see the full impact of what sarcasm really is. Usually, someone thinks they are joking but they are actually being mean-spirited and hurtful. Then, when called on it, the next comment is usually “Can’t you take a joke, I was only kidding!” I’m sorry, this one never gets past me. It did not in the past and will not in the present. When someone is not laughing at a humorous comment you just made it means it hurt and was not funny to them.
Quite long ago I dated someone like this. He thought being sarcastic and hurting people was alright as long as the joke was funny to HIM! I’m still grateful for being saved from going further in that connection. As much as people hate to admit it sarcasm is emotional abuse. It reflects upon a person that the sarcastic one sees them as inferior or flawed in some way. Trust me, we who have experienced it from someone are not inferior. We are unfortunate to run across those who do this to others but we are usually the trusting, honest, and compassionate type. Sarcasm does not go over well with sarcastic people. Usually, they can’t take what they dish out.
I have written about this subject before, so what brings it up again today? Welp, I am glad you asked! I experienced sarcasm (sarcastic remarks) from someone in a group I never expected it to come from. (And yes, it hurt). We tend to think or believe spiritual people are safe and for the most part, kind. This is not always true. Not everyone is as mature as we would like them to be. For the record, I know when to accept things as a joke and when something is meant to demean me. I guess it comes with both intuition and experience.
The next question is how to deal with it. In my particular case with the more recent event, I have quietly backed away. Sometimes people need to be left with themselves in order to allow some spiritual and emotional maturity to take place. In my previous situation, it was not as easy. It was some time ago and I was learning how to have some emotional backbone. Eventually, I had to grieve it out, but now in hindsight, I’m grateful.
There is always a reason I tend to write about the things I do. Usually, it’s because I have encountered it, or it’s about others who have. My blog is about life lessons (at least on this Blogspot). Learning how to deal with sarcasm is definitely a life lesson. To those who think sarcasm is funny, I hope you wake up. To those who have been the victim of it, I hope you heal.
“My services and website are now dedicated to those who endure anxiety, depression, and also grief. Healing in an emotional way is the most intimate and delicate work you will ever do in your life. Allow me, as a compassionate person, to be a part of your journey with sessions to accommodate your mind and soul!” Jenine Marie
Since life is about “relationship,” most likely, we have all had at least one relationship where we merely did not have much in common. The relationship imbalance can occur during any type of relationship, from romantic, to friendships to work relationships. Sometimes relationships are so out of balance it is hard to get along with one another, therefore there is continual friction. Usually, the lack of cohesiveness is recognized eventually, and people part ways. There is no difficulty in parting, and both parties will feel relieved to be finally apart.
This is not the case when there is trauma bonding involved. Trauma bonding occurs when one person or group in the relationship is toxic. I include groups here for the sake of employment and even religious groups. Toxic relationships are easy to spot, usually from the outside of one. There is a massive degree of control, manipulation, sabotage, jealousy, and a ton of friction. Why would someone want to be in a type of relationship like this? No one really would want that type of person (or group) in their life. None of us are happy when we feel controlled to the point where we are told what we can do and what we can’t. No one wants a relationship where they are controlled to the point of who they can connect with or not. We see this in religious groups, unfortunately.
People get locked into trauma bonding with someone because the other person or group always seems the best thing that ever happened to them. They are swept off their feet with charm, love, acceptance, and a feeling of bliss begins to create the release of powerful neurotransmitters in the brain that make us feel good. These can be a release of norepinephrine, oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. To a drug addict, this is the addictive high they get while using and then dropped when the drug is no longer present and providing it for them.
It is the same with a trauma bond. The same neurotransmitters are released in the body when someone feels they are in love or have reached what is referred to as a “natural high.” In romantic relationships, the trauma bond can cause a person to continue to go back for more even when they are being treated poorly. This occurs after the “honeymoon” phase of toxic relationships is over. The relationship moves from the charming demeanor of a toxic person into manipulation and a whole lot of pain. Yet the bond from the initial high of the relationship keeps the other person trapped into wanting more of the high. So they keep going back for the fix even though they know it is not suitable for them and even after the world comes crashing down on them once again.
This type of relationship is not the same as the romantic kind, where there is such a strong sense of compatibility that the couple will both shine and sparkle from the inside out just being together. Even after things have settled, the love grows, matures, and deepens. This is not true with a toxic relationship. One person in toxic connections will suffer greatly at the hand and actions of the toxic person.
In many cases, the toxic person is considered to be a narcissist, and they might be just that. Sometimes, a person can have a narcissistic part of their personality, but they are not narcissists. It is up to a skilled professional to determine if someone has a full-blown personality disorder or not. Being involved with a toxic person is very painful and will rip your life into pieces. You will feel crazy, but you are not. People might think you are crazy because of what the toxic person has done or said behind you. Yet, you are not the crazy one.
The addiction to a toxic person (or group) is similar to that of a drug addict. It’s hard to kick the high, and it’s hard to see the damage being done while in its midst. All that is known is that you need more of the person or group to feel that high again and feel a sense of wholeness. We can get locked into a situation like this and feel very isolated because that is the idea of the toxic person or group. You are isolated and played with, so they will have a sense of power and control.
Remember, the trauma bond is an addiction, so don’t be hard on yourself if this is in your life. Love yourself enough to get help, just as a drug addict must reach out for help in their situation. You have to come to the point of hitting bottom. No one can make you get to that point. It all has to be done for yourself. Working on self-love, fostering good relationships privately, and finding a good counselor to help you out of your misery are essential to your health and well-being. Even after you are not under the influence of a toxic situation, there still might be a recovery time. Allow yourself that time! Remember your worth. You are gold in anyone’s life. Let your most significant relationship be with God and with yourself first. Work on your self-esteem and consider the reasons you lock into toxic people or groups, to begin with.
Come to recognize the trauma bond high and don’t allow relationships to happen too quickly. Any good relationship is nurtured over time. Be honest with those you leave behind and tell them from a place of safety that you feel they are not suitable for you. Be straightforward. It is essential to speak your truth at a safe distance as toxic people can also be dangerous. Make it crystal clear you want no more contact and why. Tell the other person or people why you feel your connection is not good for you or them. Even in situations where there is little in common, communication is important. In healthy people, breakups are easy like that. Healthy people communicate, “I don’t want to see you again” in a healthy way and is accepted healthily. If this is not expressed, don’t think you are in a trauma relationship if the other person does not understand and pursues you. You have to be clear for your sake and theirs!
It all sounds so complicated, and this could quickly turn into a book, but it is not that complicated. Let your happy indicator let you know if you are in a good relationship fit or not. Even with groups, it is the same thing. It might not be a good fit for you if one person in a place of power calls all the shots. Recognize power-hungry people and keep your distance. Your life will thank you with blessings you never dreamt of if you protect and guide yourself by the gut instincts God has given you.
I entitled this blog post the way it is because I was thinking about choices this morning. My meditative practice was harder than usual because I had so many things swirling around in my brain. As it settled, some interesting thoughts came to me. Even though I don’t believe anyone should live in the past, I do believe the past has lessons we can still learn and sometimes those lessons even define who we eventually are.
A long time ago I worked for a commercial bank called Bay Bank of Commerce in San Leandro, CA. I think the years were somewhere around 1982. I was a single mother with one small son at the time. I loved that bank. I loved the way I was treated by those who founded it and those who appreciated me as a young professional. I have to thank the CEO and founder @DickKahler for the opportunity I was given. I was only there maybe close to 2 years, and worked in the commercial real estate loan processing department. Unfortunately, one person who worked above me gave me a very difficult time during a pregnancy that was pretty delicate. After some careful consideration I had to quit my job there.
No way had that move ever reflected on the wonderful way that commercial bank was built or how business was executed. I knew I had the finest of the best in the business. Yet, I had to stand up for myself due to one person’s treatment. I was a pretty shy and very unassuming person at the time. I have to say, quitting without another job to hang onto was not an easy prospect. It really took a lot of faith. Actually, it built my faith.
I went on to build a family, was married and then divorced. For many years I raised five children on my own with no real help from anyone. After consulting with a superior court family judge, I decided to educate myself. Her advice was straight on for me. Judge Chew, wherever you are, I LOVE YOU! I started at the community college level but that was only the beginning. My education took me to places I never thought I would be.
I was accepted by a pilot program through Stanford University in California. I studied with students from various places on the globe. I did some of my trans-personal/spiritual internship at Mt Madonna, CA. I graduated with a liberal arts degree with emphasis on psychology and human behavior through Southern New Hampshire University. I have three degrees in theological study leading to a Master’s from Grand Canyon University along with 3 years of Clinical Psychology study, and a Doctorate from the University of Sedona. I am excited to have studied in classes conducted by Harvard University. I also have learned from some wonderful spiritual, philosophical teachers from Daytona Beach, Boca Raton, and Miami, Florida. Much of my study led to certifications in Life Coaching, Trans-personal Counseling, Holistic Healing, and Hypnotherapy. Yes, I have a lot of education!
I was surprisingly privileged to conduct a class, a church service, and speak before some of our country’s leaders during one of the dedication moments near Arlington Cemetery on Memorial Day weekend. I was honored to be the Pastor of two small group churches, speak in local places of worship, and now I meet the most amazing people on earth that I call “my clients.”
My major point here is that one move to step into my own personal power, along with the power of God, created who I am today. I am assertive in ways I never would have been had it not occurred. It might seem simple and small, but it created a domino affect of so much more than I could have ever dreamed of. In fact, it changed my life. Over the course of time I have made good decisions and not so good. Fact remains that one step of empowerment made all of the difference in the world.
Don’t ever underestimate your own power to make decisions that could define the rest of your life. Step into it. Yes, you might step into some thick mud but lotus flowers bloom in thick mud, and so can you!
Not all of my messages are uplifting. I would like them to be, but most are teaching and usually what brings the hard lessons so a difficult life can be spared from you. It’s a dirty job. You know the rest, “someone has to do it”. The first lesson in the Bible is about hypocrisy; a lie.
One reason so many love they can count on God is the ability to trust. It’s hard to trust people because of the human temptation to be hypocritical. Meaning, saying one thing and yet doing another. Some believe this is not lying, but it is. A hypocrite is a liar. Even worse those who are, lie to themselves, make excuses with themselves, and crush any trust they have attempted to gain with anyone.
Some, often rake up a real hard to swallow reputation by exposing their inner hypocrisy. It’s a difficult burn inside to find out from your so called “friend” that your reputation has lost it’s luster because of all of those who now know you have lied, been a hypocrite, and even worse lied to yourself by making excuses.
Grace is a wonderful thing. It gives forgiveness when we don’t deserve it. Yet, there comes a time when even God says there will be no forgiveness and the offender will be turned over to their own mistrusted heart. I have a huge pointer, or piece of advice for those who feel it has been hard to keep their word, have made excuses for all out lies, or think they can be a hypocrite and always be forgiven.
Practice trusting YOURSELF- if you can maintain trust in yourself then you are most of the way there. This requires complete HONESTY as to why or how you feel you can be trusted. Would you trust your same actions from others? I’ve just given you your launching pad. So, my advice is to take it and launch.
I could go on and say trust God but I would rather tell you to seek God and emulate that character. It’s a hard lesson to learn but those who lie, are hypocritical, and omit facts by making excuses will attract the same to them in others and eventually repel those with a lot of inner integrity from them. I want to spare you this pain, so maybe you might want to go back to the beginning and read this again if you need to. Don’t be someone who repels the character of God.
“Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done.”
I love women’s business marketing groups! Elevating women has always been a passion of mine. Of course it is! I am one! I am also a female business owner. Before I moved from California to Texas I not only belonged to a women’s business group but led one for a time as well. These groups are based on relationship marketing, or establishing relationships with one another in order that we all profit from the experience.
The only time when these groups are not a plus is when participants don’t understand the concept of relationship marketing. Or maybe even deeper, the concept of relationship. Let me give you an example of one experience:
During time spent as a member of a women’s business marketing group, I met a young lady who owned a multi-level marketing business I was very familiar with. In fact, it’s a great company. We not only met at the group but she asked me for coffee and even lunch together outside the group. She was a very lovely lady who proudly pulled up in her Mercedes each month as the group met. She thought I had a great business and seemed very interested. We agreed to help one another find business by promoting each other. It appeared I had not only a new business connection but also a new “friend”.
Outside of the group that met monthly, we also met weekly and talked on the phone. Her main aim was for me to use her products, which I did. I loved them anyway! I used to be a part of her same company in years gone by and found great value in the company. I heard a lot about how much she admired me, and she might have. Yet, there was not a whole lot of promoting of my business on her end and a lot of promoting of her on my end. Even though I brought this up several times, things never changed. One day the moment had to come when I had to say, “I’m sorry dear, my services rendered have expired.”
Relationship marketing means to establish a mutual respectful relationship in which both parties, or businesses, thrive from the connection. Honestly, since we are about relationship on this planet, this is the best way to do business and to do life. Just remember that relationship is a mutual exchange and respect for one another. Both sides benefit from the connection, unless one is struggling and compassion causes us to help them out until they stand stronger. This is very admirable, by the way.
I’m writing this to say, “be careful”. Learn from my mistake. If you find yourself in any unequal partnership, whether business or personal, then maybe its time to re-evaluate the connection.
Every human being has the key that unlocks the truth about themselves. Often its hard enough figuring out what those truths are let alone what someone else’s are. Unless we are mind readers, the personal thoughts, feelings, and ponderings of another individual are their own. They are not known unless or until they reveal them.
When we assume we know what another is thinking it is not truth about them. Only they hold their own truth. Our thoughts about others come from our own thoughts unless they have expressed them to us personally. For example, we can not determine if we have hurt someone or not. Another person’s feelings belong to them, and only they know what they are and why. Or, we also can not determine what another person’s possible actions are. We won’t know them until they actually act.
We all do this. We assume we know instead of ask. I’m not sure why its so hard to ask but often it is. Maybe we don’t want to know the answer so we create one. Either way, the thoughts we manufacture about another person come from our own personal experience and thoughts. We might have experienced a lot of reasons to mistrust, so we can not trust others easily but often assume they will leave us. Or we might not have a good self image so we believe others think we are unattractive.
No one can live in the reflection of another’s thoughts or actions even when we feel we know them well. Someone often told me, “We never know what others are thinking.” This is absolutely true. Unless they tell us, we don’t know. Sometimes we assume others don’t like us but in reality they might just be too shy or overwhelmed to get to know us. Assuming can bring us a lot of pain but discovering where that pain comes from can help us walk in true reality and not what we think it is.
Let me give you examples of some personal things I have observed that others assume about me.
It is often assumed if I post something on my blog or in social media it reflects what is going on in my personal life or with me as an individual. This is not always true. In fact, it is rarely true. It’s usually about what I have observed in someone else or in the character of people in general.
A great deal of the time it is assumed if I am put together, dressed well, make up on, that I am doing completely alright. This is not true at all. I was raised by example from women in my family that we put ourselves together daily. Its almost a matter of habit for me now. I put myself together with full make up, did my hair etc while I was in labor with all of my children before I went to the hospital! My outer exterior is not always a reflection of how I feel. In order to know, someone has to ask me, or they simply don’t know.
Here is a huge one. Since I was a Pastor in my past, it is often assumed that my relationship with God has slipped because my doctorate is in Transpersonal Psychology, I provide hypnotherapy and alternative healing. Actually, I have been working on these things for many years. In fact I began my first psychology degree in 1996. I went to a community college for 2 years and then a 4 year university after that. Life has been a process for me, but my relationship with God is stronger being who I am meant to be than being in a role that was truly not the right fit for me. It is a position I was placed in after my graduation from seminary. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. In fact it was one of the more precious joys of my life. My personal devotion time is more private than it used to be but it is deeper than it used to be as well.
These are just some things I can personally relay that might bring this point to light. In fact, being a light in the darkness is something I learned from my Father, my Creator, my God. How cool is that? The things I mentioned above regarding myself are reflections of what others think and not what is reality for me. For those who have wondered, now you know!
Keep this in mind as your week unfolds. That which you resist will become bigger and will continue. I know, I know! It does not seem fair. Yet, it is truth. For instance, if you continue to resist an emotional feeling that creates a lot of sadness within you, your focus will be on that feeling and you will get more of it. We tend to get what we focus on, so resisting is a form of focus upon that which we do not want. Ironically this is how we get more of it. UGH. It could become a never ending circle. So how do you get out of this?
Well, I am glad you are curious! I am too. This is why I love meditation so much. Meditation is not always about clearing one’s mind, but accepting and allowing thoughts to run through the mind and just act like the observer. In this type of mindful meditation we trust and allow the thoughts and feelings to just “be” with no response to them. If we respond, you got it, we get more of the same!
This principle works with EVERYTHING. I believe it was Carl Jung who originally came up with “what we resist persists”. He had a longer version but I think this says it all. So how do you deal with negative thoughts, emotions, ideas, and experiences? You walk through them, trust yourself, trust God, and allow them to come to you. You might find yourself acting upon some of what is occurring but as long as you do not resist or try to push it away, you can find your way to a resolution.
Sound confusing? It really isn’t. Try this. Close your eyes and just breathe. Focus on the breath for a moment and allow your thoughts to just come to you. Don’t resist anything negative, just observe it. If it brings a feeling of sadness, ask God at the moment how that sadness can be resolved within you. The answer will come. It might not come at that moment but it will come. Watch and see! Solutions and growth are what we are all about, not trying to avoid what we don’t want. Growth never comes from avoidance or resistance. Think of your negative experiences and thoughts as a boomerang that never ends unless you resolve to catch it and deal with it.
If you want to build physical muscle you use resistance. Remember this. A muscle gets stronger when you resist it and situations become bigger and stronger when you resist them. Good and bad. This is why unfulfilled attraction always seems the strongest; because we feel forced to resist it. If we let it go and just observe it then it loses its power to control our emotions. I believe many a marriage can be saved, and become stronger, by knowing this. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence because we feel we must “resist temptation”. That resistance only makes us want more of what we should not have. It’s really quite controlling. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled and controlled! Overcoming this type of resistance only makes us stronger in our conviction to maintain fidelity.
This week, deal with something difficult in your life. Don’t avoid it, don’t resist it, deal with it. There is a solution to every issue in life. Seriously, there is.
Just recently I had the pleasure of traveling 1800 miles to see my adult children and grandchildren. My journey took me across 4 states and two time zones. What was interesting is the time in my car does not automatically change but on my cell phone it does. Coming from the south east and going to the west, the only difference I noticed was the daylight and night changes. My body wanted to fall asleep during my usual time zone but it was early for others. It really is interesting how routine our bodies are and how they can adapt and be conditioned to our environment. As long as I got at least 8 hours of sleep I knew I was alright.
The thing that struck me the most is during my travel time back and forth. As I moved along either way, it really did not matter what time it was. All that mattered was that I ate when hungry, rested when tired, and got some exercise when the journey was too overwhelming. Had I never looked at the time I really would not have noticed any change at all. It’s amazing how addicted to the time clock we are in this life. We talk about “punching a time clock” while working but actually we punch a time clock every day of our lives. The interesting thing is, it is not necessary. Aside from work, appointments and things like that, our bodies tell us what we need when we need it.
The basic things in life are timeless. Also, the most important things in life are timeless as well. These are things such as love, companionship, dedication, friendship, and living in the moment. Time does seem to march on but actually its an illusion. It’s not time that really moves forward, we just age and grow. Hopefully along the way we grow more wise, more adaptable, and more mellow as the days complete themselves. At the end of the day does it really matter what our chronological age is or how much “time” we think we have left on this earth? For children the world is timeless. They play, interact, and exist in a world of “moments“. I can see why Jesus instructed us to be as a child. Children have no real sense of aging, time frames, or stress that come from deadlines. Small children live in the moment.
I wonder how much better your life would be if you choose consciously to live in the moment like a child does? Can you imagine being relieved of the stress of thinking we know what tomorrow will bring? Actually, it’s all an illusion. We really don’t know what will unfold until it does! We gain nothing by our tears, fears, and stressors. Life will unfold as it should and will be as we choose to make it. So, what will be your choice? Will you live life like you are punching a time clock, or will you breathe into every moment no matter what it brings? Yes, things will be hard sometimes and others life will be easier. Either way, remember its all an illusion and to breathe!
This is most confusing to me as to how or why anyone would want drama in their lives when it can be avoided. Yet, it is an addiction. Drama addicts love chaos, either self created or borrowed from others. Drama addiction kind of goes along with gossip and it’s horrible to get caught in the wind of those who are addicted to this practice. There is actually an endorphin high that goes on in the brain when a drama addict gets their fix. Most often this person suffers from low self esteem or has the need to be higher than others. So therefore they step on people emotionally to create the illusion that their lives are better than those they step on.
The drama addict will feel the need to create anger out of someone else just to get a fix, or relish in the news that someone is doing poorly. They have to know what goes on in everyone’s life so they can manipulate, spread gossip, or create some sort of chaos out of it in order to satisfy their need. It’s almost a narcissistic personality trait but can be an addiction on its own.
An in-law I had in the past was this sort of person. Every single day was spent sitting around on the phone gossiping about others, or creating some sort of gossip to make someone else feel bad. If she got a reaction, she was in a heavenly illusion. She lived to make others miserable, and that she did most of her life. Its a sad existence but those who are addicted to drama have learned this through family dysfunction and its all they know. It is their “norm”. I used to think this woman hated my guts and I wondered why. I never thought I gave her a reason to feel that way about me. Then eventually, I realized she did not hate me; I was just an easy target. I’m sensitive, intuitive, and compassionate. (Sensitivity is a good thing in people. We are teachers of compassion in this world). I have all of the things she never could have because they were just boring to her. For a long time I thought of her as an evil seed, but eventually understood her to have drama addiction. This woman felt the need to gossip about me on the phone even while she was on her death bed! I don’t know if I could live in that negativity.
Drama addicts love to make sensitive people cry, be uncomfortable, or get them upset. This feeds the drama need and then can be passed on in the form of gossip. When we think of it, really, its a kind of smear campaign against others who just want to live their lives and not be involved in any of it. They love to reel us in like fish on a hook.
If you know a drama addict, I have this advice for you:
See them as an unenlightened person who has a dysfunction or sickness. They need our prayers but this does not mean we should be involved with them.
This leads me to #2. RUN, in the other direction! Sometimes prayer is all we can offer for those who have this or any type of addiction. Stay out of their covert clutches.
Don’t buy into their gossip, smear campaign, or strategy, even if they appear to confide in you and you find yourself on their good side. Eventually you will be their target again because they always need one.
Drama addicts have their co-dependents just like any addicts. Stay away from them as well! You will always recognize their co-dependents. Birds of a feather flock together as they say.
Forgive and move on. Stay out of the gossip column. Keep your business to yourself and NEVER confide in the drama addict! You might as well heap coals on your head!
The above is just a bit of advice. I am sure you can come up with your own. If you find yourself stuck in the clutches of a drama addict and want out, please always feel free to call me! 832-484-8306. I can deprogram you from the hurt this dysfunction causes. Don’t pass on the gossip! Talk to someone who will hold your thoughts in confidence.
If you are a drama addict and need healing and release, please also feel free to call and make an appointment. Life can be so free if you let it be!
PS It is a falsehood that women are the only ones who are drama addicts. Many men are as well. Please be aware of this!