Words to Live By…Not Everyone is Meant to STAY in Your Life!

Photo by Valentin Antonucci on Pexels.com

When you were a child, did you ever hold onto a toy you loved even though it was broken? It’s a sad situation when a broken thing can not be fixed and yet it’s held onto like it will somehow come back to life.

Relationships with people can be the same way. They might be broken, but for some reason, we keep on hanging onto what no longer works, or maybe never worked. All this will cause is suffering. We have to look at that broken thing every single day of our lives and just feel bad.

No matter what we think, believe, or imagine, someone who disrespects you or does not put into a relationship the same as you do is just dead weight. You will carry that broken thing until you are broken as well. Letting it all go might feel like hell for the moment but in the long haul… it’s a blessing.

Some connections are lessons to be learned, but once that lesson has been accomplished there is no reason to allow dead weight from an uncaring person to weigh you down. Rethink your relationships. A broken irreparable toy will never be of use to you again but will continue to make you feel loss over and over. Do you want or deserve that? Your life is more important than having someone come into it and break YOU because of their brokenness. Don’t allow that to happen again. Not ever.

Words to the wise…

Loving you from here,

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry

JenineMarie.com

Come to visit my website and learn more about how you can receive relief from anxiety and depression!

Are You the Victim of Someone’s Sarcasm?

Photo by whoiswasiq on Pexels.com

Have you ever encountered a laughing person spewing out their sense of humor with words that actually hurt more than they are funny? If your answer is “no” you are lucky. When someone is humorous but saying hurtful things to us it’s usually called “sarcasm“. Before I go on, let me give you a Wikipedia definition of what sarcasm is.

Sarcasm is the caustic use of words, often in a humorous way, to mock someone or something. Sarcasm may employ ambivalence, although it is not necessarily ironic.” Wikipedia I highlighted two of the most prominent words in the definition in bold type so you can see the full impact of what sarcasm really is. Usually, someone thinks they are joking but they are actually being mean-spirited and hurtful. Then, when called on it, the next comment is usually “Can’t you take a joke, I was only kidding!” I’m sorry, this one never gets past me. It did not in the past and will not in the present. When someone is not laughing at a humorous comment you just made it means it hurt and was not funny to them.

Quite long ago I dated someone like this. He thought being sarcastic and hurting people was alright as long as the joke was funny to HIM! I’m still grateful for being saved from going further in that connection. As much as people hate to admit it sarcasm is emotional abuse. It reflects upon a person that the sarcastic one sees them as inferior or flawed in some way. Trust me, we who have experienced it from someone are not inferior. We are unfortunate to run across those who do this to others but we are usually the trusting, honest, and compassionate type. Sarcasm does not go over well with sarcastic people. Usually, they can’t take what they dish out.

I have written about this subject before, so what brings it up again today? Welp, I am glad you asked! I experienced sarcasm (sarcastic remarks) from someone in a group I never expected it to come from. (And yes, it hurt). We tend to think or believe spiritual people are safe and for the most part, kind. This is not always true. Not everyone is as mature as we would like them to be. For the record, I know when to accept things as a joke and when something is meant to demean me. I guess it comes with both intuition and experience.

The next question is how to deal with it. In my particular case with the more recent event, I have quietly backed away. Sometimes people need to be left with themselves in order to allow some spiritual and emotional maturity to take place. In my previous situation, it was not as easy. It was some time ago and I was learning how to have some emotional backbone. Eventually, I had to grieve it out, but now in hindsight, I’m grateful.

There is always a reason I tend to write about the things I do. Usually, it’s because I have encountered it, or it’s about others who have. My blog is about life lessons (at least on this Blogspot). Learning how to deal with sarcasm is definitely a life lesson. To those who think sarcasm is funny, I hope you wake up. To those who have been the victim of it, I hope you heal.

Loving you from here,

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry

JenineMarie.com

“My services and website are now dedicated to those who endure anxiety, depression, and also grief. Healing in an emotional way is the most intimate and delicate work you will ever do in your life. Allow me, as a compassionate person, to be a part of your journey with sessions to accommodate your mind and soul!” Jenine Marie

Trauma Bonding and Toxic Relationships: Personal, Groups and Business

Since life is about “relationship,” most likely, we have all had
at least one relationship where we merely did not have much in common. The relationship imbalance can occur during any type of relationship, from
romantic, to friendships to work relationships. Sometimes relationships are so out of balance it is hard to get along with one another, therefore there is
continual friction. Usually, the lack of cohesiveness is recognized eventually, and people part ways. There is no difficulty in parting, and both parties will feel relieved to be finally apart.

This is not the case when there is trauma bonding involved. Trauma bonding occurs when one person or group in the relationship is toxic. I include groups here for the sake of employment and even religious groups. Toxic relationships are easy to spot, usually from the outside of one. There is a massive degree of control, manipulation, sabotage, jealousy, and a ton of friction. Why would someone want to be in a type of relationship like this? No one really would want that type of person (or group) in their life. None of us are happy when we feel controlled to the point where we are told what we can do and what we can’t. No one wants a relationship where they are controlled to the point of who they can connect with or not. We see this in religious groups, unfortunately.

People get locked into trauma bonding with someone because the other person or group always seems the best thing that ever happened to them. They are swept off their feet with charm, love, acceptance, and a feeling of bliss begins to create the release of powerful neurotransmitters in the brain that make us feel good. These can be a release of norepinephrine, oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. To a drug addict, this is the addictive high they get while using and then dropped when the drug is no longer present and providing it for them.


It is the same with a trauma bond. The same neurotransmitters are released in the body when someone feels they are in love or have reached what is referred to as a “natural high.” In romantic relationships, the trauma bond can cause a person to continue to go back for more even when they are being treated poorly. This occurs after the “honeymoon” phase of toxic relationships is over. The relationship moves from the charming demeanor of a toxic person into manipulation and a whole lot of pain. Yet the bond from the initial high of the relationship keeps the other person trapped into wanting more of the high. So they keep going back for the fix even though they know it is not suitable for them and even after the world comes crashing down on them once again.

This type of relationship is not the same as the romantic kind, where there
is such a strong sense of compatibility that the couple will both shine and sparkle from the inside out just being together. Even after things have settled, the love grows, matures, and deepens. This is not true with a toxic relationship. One person in toxic connections will suffer greatly at the hand and actions of the toxic person.

In many cases, the toxic person is considered to be a narcissist, and they
might be just that. Sometimes, a person can have a narcissistic part of their
personality, but they are not narcissists. It is up to a skilled professional
to determine if someone has a full-blown personality disorder or not. Being
involved with a toxic person is very painful and will rip your life into
pieces. You will feel crazy, but you are not. People might think you are crazy
because of what the toxic person has done or said behind you. Yet, you are not the crazy one.

The addiction to a toxic person (or group) is similar to that of a drug
addict. It’s hard to kick the high, and it’s hard to see the damage being done
while in its midst. All that is known is that you need more of the person or
group to feel that high again and feel a sense of wholeness. We can get locked into a situation like this and feel very isolated because that is the idea of the toxic person or group. You are isolated and played with, so they will have a sense of power and control.

Remember, the trauma bond is an addiction, so don’t be hard on yourself if
this is in your life. Love yourself enough to get help, just as a drug addict
must reach out for help in their situation. You have to come to the point of
hitting bottom. No one can make you get to that point. It all has to be done
for yourself. Working on self-love, fostering good relationships privately, and finding a good counselor to help you out of your misery are essential to your health and well-being. Even after you are not under the influence of a toxic situation, there still might be a recovery time. Allow yourself that time!
Remember your worth. You are gold in anyone’s life. Let your most significant relationship be with God and with yourself first. Work on your self-esteem and consider the reasons you lock into toxic people or groups, to begin with.

Come to recognize the trauma bond high and don’t allow relationships to
happen too quickly. Any good relationship is nurtured over time. Be honest with those you leave behind and tell them from a place of safety that you feel they are not suitable for you. Be straightforward. It is essential to speak your truth at a safe distance as toxic people can also be dangerous. Make it crystal clear you want no more contact and why. Tell the other person or people why you feel your connection is not good for you or them. Even in situations where there is little in common, communication is important. In healthy people, breakups are easy like that. Healthy people communicate, “I don’t want to see you again” in a healthy way and is accepted healthily. If this is not expressed, don’t think you are in a trauma relationship if the other person does not understand and pursues you. You have to be clear for your sake and theirs!

It all sounds so complicated, and this could quickly turn into a book, but
it is not that complicated. Let your happy indicator let you know if you are in a good relationship fit or not. Even with groups, it is the same thing. It
might not be a good fit for you if one person in a place of power calls all the shots. Recognize power-hungry people and keep your distance. Your life will thank you with blessings you never dreamt of if you protect and guide yourself by the gut instincts God has given you.

Loving you from here, 

Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry 

JenineMarie.com

Don’t Cause Your Brother, or Another to Stumble

man holding gray walking cane
Photo by Anas Aldyab on Pexels.com

It’s not uncommon for me to get more than one message in a day. When I Pastored my churches I often had more messages lined up than I could give at one time! This one is so timely and important always. Being a female it always kind of bugs me that the Bible more often speaks lessons in the male personna rather than the female, but that is not what this is about.

As created people, for some reason we tend to love to pass some sort of judgement upon another. I am sure that is not what God intended for us when we were created. We are challenged daily to operate out of our higher God created self rather than our ego. The ego LOVES to point fingers, doesn’t it? Since I am on a roll here with brotherly, sisterly love and our “oneness“, another message came to mind. It’s about causing another to stumble. Meaning setting someone else up to fail in some way so they can be judged.

Oh how the ego loves this! Let’s check out and see if so and so will mess up so we can be high and superior. Let’s watch him/her FAIL. Oh my goodness. This saddens me more than most other things because it is not open hatred it is so called “justified deceitful hatred.” In the Bible, book of Romans chapter 13, Paul talks about not passing judgement on our brother and to not set up or put up a stumbling block in his way. This is simple to figure out. Don’t stick something in front of someone just to test them to see if they will fall for it and fail. Then they can be judged or punished in some way?

Let me give you an example from my life:

Before I was married I dated a so called “Christian man” who said he had become more than very fond of me. Yet, I always felt like I was on trial. Oh, he did some very nice things for me, kind of under the guise of testing me. We had a serious discussion about addictions one night over dinner. I’ve never had the usual up front well known addictions. Mine tend to be strange. Like one time I got real addicted to Hostess Cupcakes. It was after my son was murdered and I felt like nothing on earth could comfort me anyway. Yet, there I was often sitting in the parking lot of a local grocery store stuffing Hostess Cupcakes in my face and crying my brains out. Was not long before things started to not fit me right. I caught myself and decided to knock it off. I lost weight, got into my usual jeans again and that was that. I had told this story to my new “friend“, (and I say that loosely). He was a recovering alcoholic and supposedly had not had a drink in quite awhile.

Soon, my birthday came up and he invited me to have a little party in a beautiful setting and play in the snow. It was lovely. When it came to the time to go inside from the cold a table was set up before me for my birthday. One “gift” was a computer printed photo of us together just cut out of computer paper and the other was a pyramid of Hostess Cupcakes set up to look like a tiered birthday cake. They were all still in the wrappers and honestly it reminded me more of the shape of a wedding cake. On the top was one that was open and had a lit candle right in the middle. Now, this might seem kind of cute at first, right?

He asked me to go ahead, blow out the candle and have one! So, not wanting to be rude, I made my wish, blew out the candle and ate my Hostess Cupcake with gratitude. I asked him if he was going to have one and he said no. I thought that was strange. After I was done, he said, “Have another one!” Can you see where this is going? He was testing me to see if I was going to be addicted to the cupcakes and keep trying to eat them! How absurd it sounds now! My “No thank-you,” was met with “Are you sure?”

Then came the other fun part. He pointed out the computer printed copy of the photo of us and asked how I liked my birthday present. I guess if he was in poverty, and honest, it might have been touching. He was only trying to get a reaction out of me, or some sort of disapproval. I told him it was sweet. As I look back, I realize the entire time I was being “tested“. He was always trying to see if I was “marrying material“. Actually, I don’t think he was marrying material for me!

I’ve often had discussions with others as to whether God “tests” us to see if we will be tempted to go for something and fail. I want to assure you right now, God does NOT do this to His created children! Seems to me the only tester and tempter was Satan in the Biblical story, so how could it be Godly? Let me give you some blessed assurance here. God never sets up His children for failure and then judge them. It is not His nature or character. Humans test each other, set up stumbling blocks and then judge and point fingers. Even worse, they punish. Believe me, this is not wisdom and it is not Godly either.

Since we live in a universe of reaping what we sow, would you want to be the one to test someone just to see them fall on their face, get angry, be hurt, or punished? I know I wouldn’t want that. But we do reap what we sow. I trust in that universal law of lovely Karma. Good ole’ Karma. We always know when she’s been around because it often feels like a slap in the face. Actually it’s a lesson to be learned.

Before you have to learn this lesson, let me spare you. Don’t set up your brother, or anyone, to stumble! Do NOT test another human being with the intent to see if you will have to punish or judge them! You might end up on the wrong side of the Karmic wheel and it won’t feel very good.

I always loved the song “Light of the World”.

“Light of the world shine on me, love is the answer. 

Shine on us all, let us see, love is the answer…” 

I hope this message is relevant. I know to many it could be. Tripping someone up is not a loving thing to do. Not in any situation. Putting someone to the test to see if they are worthy just might cause YOU to be the one who is unworthy someday when you stand in the Light of God. Don’t do it.

Loving you from here,

Dr Rev Jenine Marie Howry

Brother Against Brother, and So it Goes On…

pexels-photo-62376.jpeg
Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

If you live in this world you can not help but see or hear of some of the discord or violence experienced in it. It always seems like it’s worse than it ever has been. We hear of how violence is increasing. It might be. Or maybe violence is being enacted in a different way than in the past. Who can forget the holocaust, both world wars and Pearl Harbor? Remember when Isis was all over the news or, looking back, the old wild west when guns were up front and personal?

This morning, I am reminded of the first recorded murder in the Bible when one brother killed another. It’s hard to grasp the emotion of things when we read them. Can you imagine the horror of that event? Bottom line, it does not matter what age we live in, or how violence is enacted. Through it, we see the depth of human frustration and a lack of the things that are really important. Regardless as to how anger and violence are displayed its always the same. Brother against brother, sister against sister, and friends deciding to be foes. One side wants one thing and other side wants another, so they decide to war about it. One person gets offended and then the other gets the blame. One person blames another and the other gets offended. When does it end?

This might seem a bit simplistic but it starts with you, us, them. It begins with all of us because we are one. That is if we decide to really look at things from a higher perspective. From our oneness perspective it’s hard to forget when we do something to another we have just done it to ourselves. From a higher spiritual realm when one calls a person a name they just pointed a finger at themselves. If one person is that name then we all are. Sounds pretty strange doesn’t it? When we decide to think of things this way it’s easier to not do the wrong things. Why does brother have to be against brother when they are both going to experience the same pain? Why bring that on? It confuses me. Humans should get this by now but we don’t. We still yell, “Racist!”, when there is no race but the human race. Some still murder not even realizing that the person that is now gone had a personal and spiritual impact on this world. One never knows the part they might have played in the life of the murderous person. Businesses forget to be ambassadors of peace among people instead of placing blame, causing one to continue to smolder against another. When nothing is solved then nothing is solved. Period. We are all called to be ambassadors and yet when we try, we are looked upon like it is none of our business. In truth, it’s ALL of our business! There would be NO business if it was not all of our business. Put that on a T-shirt!

I used to sit at the edge of a stream where I used to live and throw rocks into the water, watching the water span out because of the impact. This is how each of us impact our world. We are one rock, but our influence spans out among many. I remember Jesus’ words concerning the stoning of an adulterous woman, “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” No one did. They all walked away. Had one person thrown a stone it would have affected everyone. I always wondered where the men were that the “adulterous woman” committed adultery with. Maybe that is why all of the men walked away that day. No one could stand innocent of that sin before Jesus.

I guess I should get to my point here. If we truly want harmony, then we have to be harmony. If we want love, we need to be love. If we want peace, we need to be peace. Lately, to be honest, I have gone through a mini phase of not even wanting to be out in the public. I’m an empath. I will suck in and absorb the anger, moods, depression, and conflict. So, for awhile, I decided to be love right where I am and process my own frustration before I take it out to the rest of the world. It’s hard. We are human. We get upset. We also have a choice though. We can turn that upset feeling into something new and loving if we only choose to be an ambassador instead of a conflict creator.  I sure wish more would learn this lesson.

Can I have a little mini rant? Just for a moment? STOP CHOOSING SIDES YOU ARE ON THE SAME SIDE! Always. Like it or not, we are in this together. All of us. Can we even wrap our heads around this reality? Or even better, can we wrap our hearts around it?

Loving you from here,

Dr Jenine Marie Howry

 

Avoiding Gossip and Drama

man in blue and brown plaid dress shirt touching his hair
Photo by Nathan Cowley on Pexels.com

I kid you not, I have spent a lifetime working at avoiding various types of gossip and drama. Either it has been in the workplace, friendships, or extended family issues. This is putting aside genuine caring for one another. What I am speaking of is needless, painful, discord, that only feeds negativity and hurtfulness toward others. I want to be honest and open here. I have been absolutely HATED because I don’t agree with being involved with drama and discord. Anyone can plainly see, when people are involved in those kind of things, hatred can only spawn from them. It takes me to the point where I struggle to forgive and not to spawn my own hatred from the circumstances.

I don’t like hearing it. I don’t like people trying to draw me into it. I don’t like what it does to relationships that otherwise would be loving and connected ones. I do like discovering things about people, understanding their struggles, and staying in the loop when it comes to others issues. It’s part of being a minister and I also learn from them. Sometimes I am just plain curious. But, that does not mean I desire to take anyone’s “stuff” to the next level and spread it around like peanut butter on a ritz cracker.

Recently I found myself seeking God on issues that should not be happening. I can’t stop them, I can’t control them, and I can’t even come to an understanding about them. The one thing I know I can do is distance myself from the issues. There is something that really baffles me though. Why on earth would anyone want to create such havok in their lives and the lives of others? I am not fond of witnessing greed, manipulation, lies, control, and other madness that should not exist in the lives of those who are supposed to love one another.

I have some clear cut examples of my own where gossip about me has caused whole families of people to absolutely hate my guts. That is the only way I can describe it. The thing is, I never really understood what it was I did to cause it. I really believe that some people just have to generate it to feel alive. It’s almost like when a person cuts themselves because they want to feel something; anything. I believe discord spreaders and drama creators do it because they are addicted to the emotions that the drama creates for them. Otherwise their lives appear to them too boring to be a part of.

I know this is not the usual touchy feely kind of blog post I might usually have but its honest and straightforward. God help us all when I finally learned to have a voice! It created a whole other crop of issues for me. No longer was I someone that others could use as their drama subject and get away with it for long.

So how do we end it or keep it from happening? Well, we can’t’ control others nor their emotional drama high and addictions, so we are helpless to change them. All we can do is turn them over to God, and the Universal powers that be, then just RUN in the other direction! It is alright to not want to be a part of what violates your personal moral standards or beliefs. It is also alright to back away from those who do violate them. Yes, you might get the cold shoulder, a bit of hatred spewed out, or just some gossip spread about you. If you really know yourself and tap into the power of God daily this won’t be an issue for you. I love the saying, “Other people’s thoughts about me are none of my business.” I don’t know who originally said that but I think it is very profound and empowering.

Since we are all ONE in the sight of God through Christ, what is done to others we also do to ourselves. So, keep this one in mind the next time you are tempted to be involved with discord, drama, or gossip. Sometimes they all go hand in hand. The Universal law of reaping what you sow will not bypass you. Stay uninvolved and only hear from a distance with no emotional response. After all, it is the emotional high that drama queens feed on. I believe it is an illness. I truly do. So pray for them, forgive them, and then go on about your own life. You will reap the rewards of staying in integrity when others are taking a spin in the old karmic wheel.

Loving you from here,

Dr Rev Jenine Marie Howry

 

Here is Your Weekly Wisdom! Honor All Life

IMG_3848

Sometimes it’s hard to think of giving honor to those who might be a whole lot less than honorable in their deeds. I believe if we all think back for a moment, we can each come up with a time when we were less than honorable. I could never credit a dishonoring act or action, but I do know I can honor the life of a person even if I can’t honor their deeds.

Today’s weekly wisdom took longer than it usually does for me. I’m a bit behind the grid. Today, set your intention to honor a life that you have felt has been less than honorable in deeds. Close your eyes and wrap love around the person. You don’t have to approve of their actions to love them as a human, and at a distance, if that is what is needed.

Your heart will grow in the process and love will enter in a different way. Intend to uphold love for that person the entire day if you can.  You might not be able to honor the deeds or actions but you can honor life that God created. Within this action you heal yourself and you place healing into the world we live in.

Loving you from here,

Dr. Rev Jenine Marie Howry, PhD

If you have trouble with honoring life because of how much someone has hurt you, please feel free to call me for an hour session.  832-484-8303 to inquire more.

The Drama Addict: (Promised Post)

person sunglasses woman smartphone
Photo by Breakingpic on Pexels.com

This is most confusing to me as to how or why anyone would want drama in their lives when it can be avoided. Yet, it is an addiction. Drama addicts love chaos, either self created or borrowed from others. Drama addiction kind of goes along with gossip and it’s horrible to get caught in the wind of those who are addicted to this practice. There is actually an endorphin high that goes on in the brain when a drama addict gets their fix. Most often this person suffers from low self esteem or has the need to be higher than others. So therefore they step on people emotionally to create the illusion that their lives are better than those they step on.

The drama addict will feel the need to create anger out of someone else just to get a fix, or relish in the news that someone is doing poorly. They have to know what goes on in everyone’s life so they can manipulate, spread gossip, or create some sort of chaos out of it in order to satisfy their need. It’s almost a narcissistic personality trait but can be an addiction on its own.

An in-law I had in the past was this sort of person. Every single day was spent sitting around on the phone gossiping about others, or creating some sort of gossip to make someone else feel bad. If she got a reaction, she was in a heavenly illusion. She lived to make others miserable, and that she did most of her life. Its a sad existence but those who are addicted to drama have learned this through family dysfunction and its all they know. It is their “norm”.  I used to think this woman hated my guts and I wondered why. I never thought I gave her a reason to feel that way about me. Then eventually, I realized she did not hate me; I was just an easy target. I’m sensitive, intuitive, and compassionate. (Sensitivity is a good thing in people. We are teachers of compassion in this world). I have all of the things she never could have because they were just boring to her. For a long time I thought of her as an evil seed, but eventually understood her to have drama addiction. This woman felt the need to gossip about me on the phone even while she was on her death bed! I don’t know if I could live in that negativity.

Drama addicts love to make sensitive people cry, be uncomfortable, or get them upset. This feeds the drama need and then can be passed on in the form of gossip. When we think of it, really, its a kind of smear campaign against others who just want to live their lives and not be involved in any of it. They love to reel us in like fish on a hook.

If you know a drama addict, I have this advice for you: 

  1. See them as an unenlightened person who has a dysfunction or sickness. They need our prayers but this does not mean we should be involved with them.
  2. This leads me to #2. RUN, in the other direction! Sometimes prayer is all we can offer for those who have this or any type of addiction. Stay out of their covert clutches.
  3. Don’t buy into their gossip, smear campaign, or strategy, even if they appear to confide in you and you find yourself on their good side. Eventually you will be their target again because they always need one.
  4. Drama addicts have their co-dependents just like any addicts. Stay away from them as well! You will always recognize their co-dependents. Birds of a feather flock together as they say.
  5. Forgive and move on. Stay out of the gossip column. Keep your business to yourself and NEVER confide in the drama addict! You might as well heap coals on your head!

The above is just a bit of advice. I am sure you can come up with your own. If you find yourself stuck in the clutches of a drama addict and want out, please always feel free to call me! 832-484-8306. I can deprogram you from the hurt this dysfunction causes. Don’t pass on the gossip! Talk to someone who will hold your thoughts in confidence.

If you are a drama addict and need healing and release, please also feel free to call and make an appointment. Life can be so free if you let it be!

PS It is a falsehood  that women are the only ones who are drama addicts. Many men are as well. Please be aware of this!

Loving you from here,

Dr. Jenine Marie Howry

Jenine Marie Coaching and Ministries LLC 

 

Addictions: The Lying Trap

addiction bet betting casino
Photo by Stokpic on Pexels.com

Remember that old saying back as a child, “Liar, liar, pants on fire?” Sometimes I wondered what our pants had to do with the lying part. I know its a very strange thing to meditate upon but I did that today. This is what came to me. When someone’s pants are on fire it is very obvious. They are being burned, hopping around, and part of them is being destroyed in front of anyone who might be looking.

Since I am on an addictions role lately, I thought I would address the lying that comes with addicted personalities and why an addicts “pants are on fire”, (so to speak). First and foremost I want to say that no one is ever kidding themselves or others when it comes to addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, people, drama, food, or any other addiction. The very first lie an addict creates is to themselves. They lie, believing that:

  1. Some day I will stop
  2. No one knows I am addicted
  3. No one sees that I lie to get by
  4. There is no hope accept to keep on keeping on
  5. Addiction can not be counteracted with first accepting the truth
  6. I’m not really harming my body
  7. I’m not harming anyone else
  8. I have a long life ahead of me, this is not going to affect me, things will change
  9. I need this addiction to make it through life
  10. People will believe my lies if I make them believable for me too

There are also lies that addicts tell those they are around and their loved ones. They might be things like this: (Remember lying to others is abusing them)

  1. I’m going to stop now and do it on my own
  2. I have to work late
  3. No one cares about me
  4. You are the cause of my addiction
  5. I locked the keys in my car
  6. I lost all of my money
  7. I never took your stuff
  8. I did not drink, use, function in my addiction today
  9. She/he is only a friend
  10. I never spoke of you as the cause of my addictions while speaking to others
  11. My addictions are my business and they don’t harm you
  12. You misunderstood

These are only a few. I am sure if you are struggling with addiction you can think of some more or maybe a loved one can think of some for you. This is the deal: Your loved ones KNOW you are lying. Even as much as you might try to convince them otherwise they still know. You can argue, kick, scream, and rant, and it does not make them know less. The people you work with KNOW you are lying. You can not hide an addiction from everyone no matter how hard you try. Even distance can not do it. The ONLY one you are kidding is yourself. You are hurting everyone around you, there is no doubt about that, but more than that, you are hurting yourself.

Eventually people will distance themselves from you. If they don’t they are co-dependent to your addiction. Don’t kid yourself. You might wake up and find yourself very alone. A dear friend of mine used to say, “You can’t kid a kidder“. Everyone who has or is experiencing addiction with you or around you know that you lie as well. Is THIS the life you want to lead?

No, I am not trying to be mean here. I am being honest. If you think you won’t lose everything in life no matter how successful you might look on the outside, you are lying to yourself. You might even lose your life. Then those around you will grieve. Is this the legacy you want to leave behind?

I am challenging you with no judgement to make a new decision in life. First be honest with yourself. Admit your problem is out of control. Then admit to those around you that you have been liar liar, pants on fire. It’s been obvious all along. So what is the harm in just being honest? Everyone knows, so what is the harm in coming clean with the dirt? It is your first step to freedom. I remember reading in the bible for the first time that God hates liars. Please don’t take this that God hates YOU. God hates the actions created. He wants better for you and I think you do too!

Loving you from here,

Dr. Jenine Marie Howry

832-484-8306

Scapegoat Mentality

pexels-photo-1054422.jpegBack in Biblical times there was a sacrificial animal called the “scapegoat”. When the Levite priests did ceremony to cleanse the people of sins, the sins were symbolically placed into the animal and then it was sent out into the wilderness. It ran off carrying the sins of the people with it.

In modern days, the scapegoat is a person who ends up taking the punishment for the wrongdoings or the sins of others. This hardly seems fair, but it happens all of the time, especially in families. One would think this would be the last place this would happen but it does, and usually behind closed doors. It also happens in places of business, in schools, and other places. I believe I have even watched this happen online as well.

Wherever people gather, there is a tendency to be someone around who has to press down others in order to feel better about themselves. The pressed down one is usually the lonely one who bears the pain that has been placed upon them. It’s a sad situation, and very heartbreaking.

If we were to look at humanity as one that we need to find balance within, this push and shove really does not make a lot of sense. There is only an illusion of one who gets to be the winner of the game and the one who is pressed down. Truthfully, in an unbalanced situation like this, neither of them win.

Fear, creates scapegoats. Someone begins to think or believe they are powerful and out of their fear that they are not, they need someone to press down to relieve that fear. The hard thing is nothing is ever truly relieved so the actions might keep going on. Usually the ones who are the most empathetic are the ones who end up being walked upon. They find themselves pushed down in the pecking order at their jobs. They have no voice because their own fear causes them to stop speaking up for themselves.

When Jesus went to the cross, He took upon Himself the punishment of everyone’s sin and then He left this world carrying our burdens. This grace is meant to release us from the sting of sin and death. We have no bondage in the eyes of God and there is none who is greater than the other.

Do you ever find yourself wishing that people would just see the value in themselves so they don’t feel the need to emotionally, physically, or mentally batter others to try to help them create the illusion they are greater? I pray for this revelation for people all of the time. Every time I hear a broken heart, feel one, or know of one, I know that somewhere out there is a person who is using that brokenness for their freedom. It really should not be so.

If we find ourselves being pressed down or taken advantage of, maybe it is time to create balance and speak the truth and walk away from those who would have them be their scapegoat. There is no one on earth that deserves to take a beating for someone else’s attempt at finding some form of power. Jesus took that beating and we are all free. We don’t need to have faith in the truth to make it true but it does help to have it. It’s still true none the less. It’s history.

I had to dig deep for this one because the idea of the scapegoat is more than someone being a bully over someone else. It is a condition where shame and deep feelings of inadequacy happen over periods of time. I’ve witnessed someone taking a beating for someone else. It’s almost just as painful to be the witness.

Tonight I have a deep sadness in my spirit as I think of those I have known who have been stuck taking the rap for others. They have been beaten down, locked up, emotionally broken, spiritually stricken and soulfully scarred. I can close my eyes and almost feel the painfulness of this type of condition.

If only, if only, there can be a balancing of humanity that makes this impossible to ever happen. It was meant to create the needed balance when Jesus died on the cross. We were meant to find ourselves in the bonds of oneness, in a holy union, sharing the power of the blood He shed on the cross for us all.

Can we ever find that place Jesus prayed for us to find? Can we balance the human scales in life and see one another as equal and not as someone we must be on top of, win over, press down, or beat at the race?

This blog post has a bit of a sadness to it. I apologize for that reality. I can’t help but close my eyes, though, and dream of what it would be like if everyone would just understand. We never make it anywhere without one another. Being on the top of others is only an illusion and eventually that prideful heart will have to fall. So, the beater never prospers and the one who presses down never really hits the top before they fall to the pit.

It’s the one’s who have taken the beating who will arise. It might not be today, or even tomorrow, but it will happen. When it does, their light will shine as brightly as the morning sunshine. At that moment they will realize it has all been an illusion for them as well and that God has always cupped His hands, holding them in place for the moment they understand just how beautiful they have always been.

Loving you from here

Dr. Jenine Marie Howry