It’s pretty common for women who have been in an abusive relationship to continually place their worth and value outside of themselves. Part of the abuse cycle is practically begging the abuser to want you, and part of their abuse is to reject you. This is especially true if the abuser is a narcissist. I know this sounds sickening but they thrive on it and depend on your response to their neglect of your needs. It makes them feel powerful and in control. Then when you express what you need you have fallen into their trap. They can tell you how unreasonable you are, and to just be happy with what you have even though you feel neglected. Let me release you here. You are entitled to your own feelings even if no one else agrees with them. They are yours and if you feel hurt then no one can tell you that you are overreacting. You are a person of great value and your heart matters as well as how you express what is in it no matter how it comes out. (Meaning even with tears).
The best response in this situation is to agree with them. They are right. Your happiness, your value, and your worth do not depend on them or anyone else wanting you. Your beauty does not depend on anyone else expressing desire for you. I know it takes a lot to begin to truly believe this if you are in the habit of not believing it.
It can be very frustrating and humiliating to feel you need to constantly beg someone to love you when there is only so much they can give. It’s also very frustrating to wait on someone to express their devotion to you when that might not ever happen. Hear me. You don’t have to hang your hat on a wrack that won’t support it. Recognize that some people are limited when it comes to the compassion department. It’s not you, its them. Your part is allowing yourself to be sucked into the pattern over and over again. STOP.
Remember God supports you and loves you the way He made you. You might even “know this” but it has not sunk deep enough for you to truly believe it. Give yourself time. I am positive that if you work on this every single day you will begin to see how much you truly are worth without any one else’s affirmation. Here are some suggestions:
- Live out loud. Don’t keep things stifled inside of you or isolate yourself in your feelings. Talk to someone who will edify you and remind you who you are.
- Write down all of the things that are your strengths and go with those. Focusing on strengths can help you stop looking at what you perceive as weakness or what you feel is “not good enough”.
- Connect with others who deal with what you do and support, lift up, and edify each other. There is strength in numbers.
- Look up Scriptures in the Bible that remind you of your worth to God and post them everywhere so you can see them on a regular basis. Let the truth of them soak into you.
- I know this one is a weird one, but get mad at the situation enough to make a change for the better. Allow your hurt feelings and anger about bad treatment to propel you forward instead of inward.
Remember that your value in this world is off the charts. There is not even a large enough number to even come close to explaining it. God sees your value every day. Commit yourself to seeing it as well. If your heart is broken work on healing it with God and become stronger. This does not mean “hardened”. You don’t need to be hard hearted to be strong, but on the contrary you can be strong by giving of who you are to someone who truly wants all you have to give!
Finish these sentences: I am valuable because _______________________________________
My greatest strengths are ____________________________________________________________
My God given gift is/are ___________________________________________________________________
My love in this world is important because _________________________________________\
These are the people who need and appreciate me: _________________________________
A Statement for You
“I will give my attention to those people and consider myself as a gift. I will release myself from the feeling that I have to beg someone to love, care, or appreciate me, no matter how much it hurts. I will let God heal those areas of my life.”
It takes some work on your part to overcome the affects of someone else’s neglect, abuse, or lack of appreciation, but you have this one! You can do this with God. Repeat:
“I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.”
Pastor Jenine Marie Howry