Nope, I don’t always do life the way others desire me to. In fact, most of the time I live the way I want to. Isn’t that the way things should be? It’s called being an individual, and those of us who recognize who we are and how we are identified realize that life is our choice, not anyone else’s option.
I don’t keep it a secret that I was diagnosed with cancer at the end of 2024. Why should I keep it a secret? I’ve lived the majority of my life in the wide open as I felt directed to do so. Yet, just because I am open about what I do does not mean I will allow others to dictate how I deal with it, how I accept or not accept it, or how I choose to find peace with it.
My type of cancer does not show up just out of the blue. In fact, most cancers do not do that. There is no defining day when cancer calls, “Hey, I’m inside of you, so what do you think of that?” It lurks in the shadows, in the dark, in the lack of energy, the moodiness, the tears, and the unknown, uninvited struggle. Then one day it makes its presence known, and thank God it does!
Don’t feel bad about what I have just said. Everything I thought about having awful cancer became a blessing when I realized exactly how it liberated me. Yes, it can eventually take my life one day, but wouldn’t that be God’s plan all along? I might just live another 50 years, and wouldn’t that be God’s plan all along? Either way, I still win. Make no mistake, it has been HARD. I have spent an entire year so far, going through cancer treatment alone (my choice). What my time alone has gifted to me is showing me how strong I am, revealing how much I value my own company, my own peace, my own pleasure, and my own choices. Not everyone likes this, but I have grown within it.
Honestly, there are some fierce aspects of treatment I really would have preferred to bypass, but in the middle of the night, treatment effects spoke to me peace, strength, resilience, and honor. In those hours, God gave me quiet strength, hope, tears, laughter at how crazy it all is, and personal power I had forgotten I had.
I found my autonomy and my own decisions within its grasp and God’s whispers in the night. I took my right to do as I pleased. I ate ice cream for dinner and asparagus for breakfast because that was what I wanted. I bathed in the sunlight in my yard and walked in the rain. I huddled in my room and took myself out to lunch.
I read medical journal articles, reviewed my test results before my doctors saw them, and found my own peace in the storm. I accepted hugs, prayers, love, and strength from the medical staff. I laughed with fellow patients and listened to their stories. I absorbed their hope and gave them mine.
If I had to do it over again, NOPE! I would not. Yet, I can’t neglect the peace I have felt in simply making decisions I forgot I could make on my own and have it all be alright for me. It was always okay, whether others agreed or not. I don’t need “that trip to Italy” to bring me peace. I have peace in my own mind and heart simply in my own decisions.
Make no mistake; choice is a tremendous freedom and is true empowerment. I choose how I believe, how long I sleep or don’t, when I want to venture out, and when I want to close the blinds and feel honored in my own company. I realized I am not such bad company, but in fact, I enjoy my own company. I love the life I have been given, and that, my friends, is a gift beyond measure!
Advice? Give yourself the gift of autonomy, make the decisions that create happiness in your life, and don’t wait for something like cancer to teach you!
Loving you from here,
Dr. Rev. Jenine Marie Howry
(It’s YOUR life. Choose how YOU want to live it)
Life Lessons by Jenine Marie 