Everyone comes to a point in life when it seems like everything comes to a stop. A life event has occurred, and now the natural stream in life has been interrupted. Such events might be the sudden passing of loved ones, a health issue, financial changes, loss of business, or loss of a home.
With every passing day, none of us are guaranteed smooth sailing in life. It is meant to be that way, as hard as it is to accept sometimes. We are meant to be shaken, to be interrupted, and sometimes even hurt. The difficult things in life are inevitable, and they cause us to make a new game plan for the way we live our lives.
Although life can bring its hazards, difficult situations, or tragedies, some things are standard and always remain unchanging. These are the powerful supporters created for us to lean on and rely upon when times become challenging. Can you wrap your head around an angelic presence when lives have been swiftly taken from us? Can you accept a universal law that gives to us back for everything we have lost? How about a presence of God that is so powerful that lives inside of all of us, giving us the energy and tenacity to get through one more day?
Some scoff at such things, and yet others come to lean upon the mystical when things are tragic in this life. Sometimes a little mystery searching is worth the search. In times of great difficulty, I have found the comfort of loved ones in spirit to be a powerful part of healing and transition. I talk to my angels, my loved ones in spirit, and to God when things are hard in life. These all bring me comfort, and I see evidence of their presence and power every single time.
Meditation is an excellent way to bring forth some illumination into the existence of some of these supportive elements. They are there to help us, and they are living just as much as we are. God brings life, brings love, and brings revelation into a problematic issue in life. Angels are there to help us, as are crossed over loved ones who are in spirit. As a mother who has now had to let go of two of her children, I can not live without the knowledge of these helpers in my life. The healing that comes from my connection to these resources is life-changing and sometimes life-saving.
I can not believe we have life after death because I don’t believe there is a death. I only believe there is a continuing life of the soul after leaving our bodies. I believe in life after life. This belief gets me through my days, or I could not bear how hard my appeared losses have been. We never lose anyone. We can never lose love. Love is as enteral as the human soul. When life throws a curveball or wrench into the works, it is a comfort that I have the support I need to lean on when I need to. I have to believe the “powers that be” are with me through my entire earthly life, or I could not live it.
Our spiritual support system does not mean we escape trial or that things will be easy. It only means that we have an avenue of support when no one else understands how we feel or how to deal with our issues in life. With all of the losses that I have endured in life, I know I would not be here without the love that is extended to me in mystical ways along with human presence.
I don’t even know how to begin what I am about to write. I guess the only thing I can do is just start and see where I end up. I woke up this morning, and something inside of me just broke open. I am shaking my head right now because life is just so nuts. Before I go any further, I just want to make one thing clear. I am not writing this for attention. I don’t need sympathy, and I don’t want pity. I am writing this post because, at the moment, it is the only way to get this out.
I am writing this post because I am a mother. I brought children into this world, and they are the greatest gift I have ever received. I might not remember what I ate yesterday, but I remember the smiles on the faces of every single one of my babies when they were born. My children are my heartbeat and the greatest gifts I have ever had.
I lost my firstborn child when he was 20. As the oldest of five children, he was the one who helped out when I needed more hands than the two I have. The kids and I were a surviving unit. As a mother of five kids on my own, I truly did not know how I was going to make it, but I did. Unfortunately, I had to give up my son. God took him. How that happened is still pretty much a mystery.
I’m going to get to my point here. I have another son and three daughters. We have all gone on with life, but we have all been hurting inside. The loss of a child or sibling is a severe pain to bear, especially after all we survived together. I still remember my younger son’s face the day of my firstborn’s funeral. He loved his brother so much. They were ten years apart, so my son’s brother was the only other male he could look up to in a house full of females. I will never forget the day my son’s big smile turned into tears. I am not sure what my heart was broken about more; losing a son or watching my other son hurt too much. All of my children have hurt, but I feel like my younger son hurt even more for some reason.
He accepted drugs in response to his pain. I’m sure his pain was numbed for the moment, but a drug and alcohol addiction that evolved out of control occurred. It is hard for a mother to watch her child harm his life, but I know no matter how much I have ever hurt, he has hurt more. His addiction landed him a prison sentence, which he has done most of.
He was placed in a state prison he should never have been in due to the risk of becoming ill with a disease that comes from the soil in that region. He has been very sick. I know he feels like he will never recover. He has fallen in his cell due to weakness, has had pneumonia, has hardly been able to be in sunlight, has been at risk of being hurt by others, and has been subjected to the trickery of those who cost him more prison time.
I want you to know this has all been a helpless feeling; to have a child, who is an adult, go through the things my son has endured. Yes, he has done a lot to himself, but he sure did not lack help in the addiction department. Addiction does not survive alone. It always has its accomplices. I am a minister and a believer of a higher power whom I call God. So, therefore, I have prayed as hard as any mother could possibly pray. My son remains sick, fearful, and not able to even deal with the addiction he went to prison for. People go to prison because of a crime they committed as discipline for that crime. They call it rehabilitation, but that does not happen, at least not from what I have seen. Regardless of what any individual has done, they do not go to prison to become sick with a disease they will never recover from. I have written to the President of the United States. I have written to the governor’s office of the state. I have written to the ombudsman of the prison system. I have written the state’s congressional representative, the state senator for that region, and those I thought might help. I have contacted an advocacy group on my son’s behalf and even the medical department of the prison he is in.
Nothing seems to help. So I keep on praying, sounding like I am alright, and moving on with life, telling myself that faith is going to have to be enough. I have isolated myself personally because of the painful part inside of me just can not take one more person hurting me. Yet life goes on. I tell myself I have to keep on going, and the rest has to be left up to God.
As I said, this morning, I broke. It’s not like I have not cried before because I have. I have cried loudly and out of pain, frustration, and anger. I want to tell you something. I absolutely HATE drugs and addictions. I have watched the people I love the most have their lives destroyed by drugs and alcohol. I don’t know the reasons why, but some can handle them, and some just can not. I think it is all a toss of the genetic wheel, maybe with a little human pain thrown in for good measure.
I dedicated my life to helping others, teaching others, showing what faith is, teaching lessons, and learning more so I can teach, counsel, and do more. We all have a purpose. Right now, at this very moment, I am the one who needs help. I need my son to receive the care he needs and the attention he needs to get out of that dingy prison cell and be helped into a life he can thrive in. I think right here; I might add that I have not been able to hug my son in 8 years. He has been locked up for most of those years, and the time before that, he was addicted. I left the state. My mother’s heart can’t take any more from anyone at any time.
It’s a helpless feeling, having to be strong, moving on in life, and have this painful heartache inside that says life will never be alright again. Grief does not end when we bury our loved ones. I already know that love can not be healed. Love is love. What we do is keep our loved ones close in our hearts, and we come to understand the heart and soul of a human being is where heaven is because that is where we hold our dearest loves of our lives.
It’s a helpless feeling to have a son, a grown man now, locked in a cage where no one will help him. It appears that all that happens in our prison systems is to put drug addicts away until they become hard just to survive. Addiction is a disease that is passed down through genetics, and it is one that is systematically reinforced by others who are addicted or sell drugs. It’s a vicious cycle.
Of course, I have blamed myself. I know deep inside it is beyond my control, but I still blame myself. It does not help that others have blamed me too. It’s sickening; all of it. Our country needs more addiction recovery programs. We need to stop condemning those who are addicted by locking them up and throwing away the key and start teaching them how to live with an illness they did not ask for and yet have to live with. We all live with it. Sometimes we die with it.
I smile, I laugh, I have good things that happen in life. I have moved forward, but a massive part of me feels stuck and broken. I know this is how every mother feels when their child has struggled with an illness they can not control. It controls them. It controls everyone it touches. Believe me; it’s hell.
Thank you for putting up with my long written broken vomit. Excuse me here, but there is no other way I can describe it. For those of you who have gone through the same, I am sorry. I wish you the best solution possible and for healing. For those of you who have received my letters and cries and yet have done nothing, I am sorry for you.
I suppose before I start, for those who do not know, I should explain what “love bombing” is and why it is a part of relationship abuse cycles. Love bombing is something someone who is a narcissist, or potential abuser, does in order to hook someone into a relationship very quickly with them. They do this by pouring out love and devotion way too soon during your connection. For instance, you meet someone and within a day they are “in love with you” and know you are the one they want the rest of their life. During love bombing you will get messages all day long, phone calls, emails, texts, and all of them will have undying devotion. Statements like “I know you are the one” or “I am going to marry you some day” will come out of them far before that person even knows you very well.
You will receive complements, flowers, a continual connection, and all of your time will be consumed by this narcissistic person. You will be his/her love of their life long before they even know what kind of person you are. This is a huge relationship red flag by the way. Let me share one of my personal examples.
After meeting someone for the first time to have dinner, I received a text message while I was still driving home that stated, “I know you are the one, I like you far much more than I even expected. What was the best part of our date for you tonight?” We did have a great time with a lot of talk about personal things. He was very likable, adorable, and seemingly kind; a very easy person to talk to.
The love bombing continued. I had a text the very first thing in the morning, a call as soon as work was over, another date secured the moment there was time free. Each date was like a dream come true. He cooked for me, shared personal information easily with me, and listened to my heart while holding my hand. All of these things seem very likable. In fact they seemed to be the answer to my prayers. I was sucked in, hook, line, and sinker. We were both Christians so he prayed with me and did a good job of it. All of the prayers offered the indication there was already devotion and they alluded to marriage from the beginning. Within a very short period of time those suggestions regarding marriage became actual verbal statements. “I know I will marry you and we will spend the rest of our lives together. ”
While these things seem great, they were happening way too soon and way too fast. A love bomber will give you no time for anyone else in life. He/she will take all of your time with their undying devotion, romantic gestures, and dating interludes. You will find that you have no time for friends or family members and many of them will wonder where you have been for the last week, month, or months. This is actually a strategic tactic to get you more isolated and it works like a charm for many unless you recognize it and understand it. The problem is, once they hook you there is a greater opportunity to bring someone else into the picture without your knowledge. Suddenly he/she won’t have as much time for you as before. Or you will have a set schedule so there will be no reason to think he/she has someone else. All the while your new love is setting up what is called “triangulation”.
Triangulation is the narcissistic integration of another person whom he or she is love bombing as well in order to create their very strategic and sick drama. Sometimes the triangulation happens with an ex partner and sometimes it is someone they used to date, or someone completely new. That person may or may not know about you. If they do know about you, he or she will make sure you are the “crazy person” that they can’t get rid of. This gains sympathy and helps the love bomber create an aura of being victimized in order to secure the triangulated new person.
I know this all seems a bit way out there, but this HAPPENS and it has happened to me! If someone seems to be expressing undying love for you way too soon and is showering you with gifts, complements, and dates. If that person is getting close too fast and isolating you from others you usually spend time with. RUN! Love bombing is a narcissistic covert action that will eventually be something that causes you great pain in the end.
If you have been the victim of a narcissist and their love bombing. I want to pray for you. You can call anytime at 800-421-1765 and please leave a message for a call back. These actions are more common than you might think and there are many who are out there struggling with the very same issues. You are not alone! There is support. Find a good support group or even start one! We need all the empowerment we can get after being affected by a narcissist.